Ladies and gentlemen, today we come to you from historic Shea Moisture Coliseum to bring you the championship matchup of the first-ever World Wypipo Tournament. Over the course of this single-elimination tournament, we have watched some of the greatest Caucasian competitors from around the globe fight for wypipo supremacy.
Sixty-four hopeful teams entered this epic free-for-all a scant three weeks ago with hate in their hearts, believing that each of them had what it took to emerge victorious. Through a process of blood, sweat and white tears, we have managed to whittle the number down to two worthy adversaries, both hoping to be crowned the worst wyperson of all time.
Let’s look at our final matchup and why they deserve to be here:
Path to the championship: Andrew Anglin survived a gauntlet of racist, white men hobbled by a micropenis and supercharged inferiority complex to make it to the championship round. His first-round challenger—fellow fuckboy Richard Spencer—was an early favorite to win this entire tournament.
Anglin zipped past Spencer and went on to beat his rival Milo Yiannopoulos. While both Anglin and Yiannopoulos are both effete attention whores, Yiannopoulos is Jewish and gay, which intersect at the nexus of white-boy hate.
Anglin went on to upset Roger Stone and Jeff Sessions—two of the most powerful men in political history—to reach the final round.
Why he deserves to win: During the tournament, savvy fans alerted our rules committee that Anglin, founder and owner of the No. 1 white supremacy website in the world, was actively campaigning for votes. We called an emergency meeting of the NCAAP (Non-Caucasian Association of Annoyed People), and after intense deliberation, we reached the following conclusion:
We don’t give a fuck.
Our reasons for allowing Anglin’s continued participation reflects the reason he was included in the tournament in the first place: Andrew Anglin is an evil, petty troll.
While we have previously chronicled how Anglin terrorizes innocent people by coaxing the dim-witted, low-IQ visitors to his popular white supremacist website into committing semiterrorist acts they downplay by calling them “trolling,” we cannot forget that the reason he is a finalist in this competition is that he is evil.
Andrew Anglin is not regular, Milo Yiannopolous, shuck-and-jive evil. He isn’t Roger Stone, step-on-black-people’s-throats-for-a-little-more-power evil. He isn’t even Jeff Sessions, Middle-earth-antagonize-the-Smurfs-don’t-let-the-billy-goats-cross-the-bridge evil. Anglin is unabashedly, unashamedly, kick-women-and-children-in-the-teeth-level evil.
If Anglin could talk in complete sentences and inspire people, he’d be Adolf Hitler. Andrew Anglin is a Klansman who says, “Fuck this robe.” When he dies, Anglin will not go to hell because the devil is too afraid Anglin will take his job. Every now and then, Satan sends Andrew Anglin a text message that simply says, “Calm down, bro. You’re making me look like a punk.”
That’s why Andrew Anglin is in the championship round.
Path to the championship: White allies emerged from a crowded Groups/Companies/Organizations field that included the Ku Klux Klan, the Republican Party and the Armitages from Get Out.
White allies defeated the National Rifle Association right out of the gate (I bet they had their hands up while wearing Black Lives Matter T-shirts and giving out cans of Pepsi). They went on to upset Fox News (although we must mention that Fox News might not have played their best because they were grieving over the loss of their longtime coach Roger Ailes. Plus, their best player—Bill O’Reilly—was kicked off the team).
In a monster Sweet 16 matchup against the Republican Party, white allies handily defeated the GOP and swept past Flint, Mich., officials in the Final Four.(For some reason, the Flint team didn’t seem to have filled its water bottles.)
Why they deserve to win: If Andrew Anglin deserves a spot in the finals because he is evil, then white allies belong here because they think they are good.
Let us be clear: White allies are not good, but they think they are. They find it impossible to recognize that their perceived benevolence is rooted in as much white supremacy as Anglin’s. Their “love” is just as toxic as his hate.
Imagine going to war against 100 men with only 25 men on your side. You know you’re outnumbered, but if you have 25 good, loyal men, you know what you are facing. You are aware of the odds and still choose to fight, and you understand the outcome.
But if you add 80 white allies, you might believe the opposite to be true. You might believe that you outnumber your enemy. You might even be stupid enough to think that there are more people on your side willing to fight. Even worse, instead of concentrating on your 25 good men, you might even start focusing on your white allies. You might start trying to convince more white allies to join your cause instead of teaching the 25 how to fight.
Most importantly, many of the white allies actually believe they are on your side. They often don’t have nefarious intentions. They believe the safety pins are weapons. They believe that black lives matter. They believe in privilege because without it, they can’t call you “underprivileged.” They believe that sexism as endured by white women and racism as experienced by blacks are equal evils. They believe that the ills of society are a matter of resources, education and family values.
But on the battlefield, they will retreat to the safe space of their own whiteness. They will vote for Donald Trump. They will understand and sympathize with their badge-wearing, bullet-shooting protectors because they sympathize with feeling a “reasonable threat.” They will turn tail and run—not because they are under fire—but because they feel “triggered.”
And you will die. Because they don’t belong to your army. They are allies. They are white.
So get out there and decide which side of this coin is worst. We are depending on you to determine who is the worst of the wypipo. If this tournament teaches us anything, it is the lesson that both Andrew Anglin and white allies advocate unfailingly with the same straight look on their faces:
If you don’t vote, you can’t complain.