As 2017 winds to a close, once again we document the people whose cookout invitations have been rescinded. This is our third year officially documenting those who have made a permanent residence out of the proverbial curb to which they have been kicked by black America. Previous inductees into this Hall of Shame include wypipo, Stephen A. Smith, Bill Cosby and Ben Carson.
Since Santa Claus was born in a manger near the North Pole to erase our sins and increase our credit card debt, black people have used this month to undergo a collective purging. Although we stopped short of revoking their black cards (which requires a two-thirds vote from the Global Organization Dedicated to the Descendants of Africans, Moors and Negroes—GODDAMN), these people have worn out their welcome in black America. Here is our 2017 List of People We Don’t Fuck With Anymore:
Ray Lewis’ career on the professional shucking circuit was exponentially boosted when he added jiving to his post-NFL résumé. Ray-Ray’s cookout credentials were temporarily suspended when he skipped into Trump Tower in New York City to see if the Donald Trump transition team needed anyone with expertise in the fields of stepping and/or fetching.
But when Lewis assisted his former team with whiteballing Colin Kaepernick because of a tweet by Kaepernick’s girlfriend, the committee decided to permanently bar him from all barbecue-related activities. Still unsatisfied with his accomplishments, Lewis joined the Baltimore Ravens in London to kneel for the anthem, only to announce that he wasn’t kneeling, he was praying. He secured his place on the list by going on TV and saying that he “would never agree with” people protesting injustice and inequality by dropping to one knee.
Apparently, Chrisette Michele is not a singer. When black folks skewered the vocalist for providing the entertainment for Donald Trump’s inauguration ball, Michele hid the bag she secured for her performance behind her back and explained that she was building a bridge to understanding.
While black America was on the fence about Michele’s shenanigans, she offended poets, rappers and everyone with ears by releasing a cringeworthy spoken-word/rap monstrosity that shouted out Questlove, Ben Carson and Spike Lee. When she was ready for her second act, she prepared the world for her return by telling the world she suffered from drunken nights, suicidal thoughts and a pregnancy miscarriage. Even though it turns out that the miscarriage pics she shared were fake, Michele disregarded the fact that her pandering songs, “Black Lives Matter” and “Strong Black Woman,” made a lot of people contemplate drinking themselves into a coma.
A brief summary of Steve Harvey’s 2017:
- January: Harvey visits Trump Tower to help Trump and Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson solve the crisis with inner cities. Harvey has no education background in inner cities, housing or urban development, unless you count how he developed a career as the fourth-funniest King of Comedy.
- January: Harvey says that Asian men are not attractive but says nothing about his line of lime green 34-button Easter suits that make men look like Now and Laters.
- March: Harvey tells black people, and Uncle Snoop, in particular, that they need to respect President Trump.
- April: Harvey says that Trump is keeping his promises about affordable housing.
- May: A leaked memo that Harvey allegedly wrote to his TV-show staff tells employees not to approach him or look him in the eyes. To be fair, my mother told me the same thing about the devil.
- June: Harvey tells a resident of Flint, Mich., to “enjoy your nice brown glass of water.” He says it was a joke.
- September: Harvey says he regrets meeting with Trump. He says nothing about the Flint comment. Or his mustache.
- October: Reports reveal that Harvey’s ratings for TV and radio are tanking.
When Russell Simmons was accused of sexually assaulting model Keri Claussen Khalighi, Simmons defended himself by penning an open letter explaining that he would never do such a thing because ... yoga.
After more than 10 women came out and accused the mogul of rape and sexual assault, the New York City Police Department opened an investigation into him. In response to the allegations, Simmons released his greatest remix ever, starting the hashtag #NotMe. Simmons denies the charges, hoping that we will forget how he started dating his ex-wife, Kimora Lee, when she was in high school.
There is no word yet on when Def Prison Jam will begin filming.
Omarosa was already on a year-to-year provisional cookout-attendance ballot. As America’s black wicked witch, she was annoying, but one could not fault her for gathering her coins while she could.
When Manigault formally joined the Trump train and stiff-armed anyone with hot sauce in their bag, she was removed from the family-reunion T-shirt list. She further alienated herself by dissing April Ryan, other black journalists, Jemele Hill, HBCU presidents, black Republicans, black Democrats and the people who dragged her out of the White House.
Fuckboys are still upset that they were not named Time Person of the Year. After all, who defined 2017 more than fuckboys?
We discovered that R. Kelly was in the first stages of creating his own underage sex cult. We finally figured out that Bill Cosby was probably not going to buy NBC. Ciara broke out of her fuckboy past. Jay-Z made an entire album repenting for fuckboyism. The #MeToo movement shone a light on the trend. We found out about Louis C.K.’s masturbatory habits. It turns out that 84.2 percent of men in Hollywood were paid members of Friends for Unconsensual Copulation and Blaming It on Yoga (FUCCBOY). Even fictional characters like Lawrence from Insecure and Littlefinger from Game of Thrones showed that fuckboys are all around us and can’t be trusted.
We were shocked to learn that some of our favorite people were fuckboys. Milhouse from The Simpsons grew up to be Sen. Al Franken, who just apparently went milling around the country grabbing titties. We figured out why Tavis was so Smiley when he excused his sexual relationships with employees by asking where else was he supposed to meet women—because, after all, that’s where the hos at. Kevin Hart had to apologize on Instagram for his miniature fuckboy ways.
In spite of their fuckboyism, men like Bill Cosby, R. Kelly, Harvey Weinstein and even the president of the United States escape without punishment. Fuckboys are Teflon.
But we still don’t fuck with them.