10. Hood barbershops.
Even if there’s a white barber working there, his name will be “White Mike” or “White Bobby” and he’s there to escape white people, too.
9. A Delta Sigma Theta game night.
Be warned, though. While there won’t be white people there, there will be elephants. Lots and lots of elephants. All of the fucking elephants.
8. The set of any movie featuring Clifton Powell.
If you need some white-people escaping and you need it quickly, Google “Where is Clifton Powell working today?”and then go there immediately.
7. The theater where any movie featuring Clifton Powell happens to be showing.
If you need some white-people escaping and you need it quickly, Google “Where are movies featuring Clifton Powell playing today?” and then go there immediately.
6. Hood beauty salons.
Ranks higher than the barbershop just because Barbershop was a better movie than Beauty Shop. Which should probably make it rank lower, but this is my list, AND IF BLACK LIVES DON’T MATTER, THEN NEITHER DOES LIST-MAKING CONTINUITY!!!
5. Outer space.
While it’s true that white people have been fantasizing about building space colonies for decades—presumably to escape from the mess they’re making here—they haven’t done it yet. Which means we can beat them to it. WE JUST NEED MORE STEM DEGREES!
4. Any black-owned restaurant that stays open until 10 but stops actually making food at, like, 5:45.
Bonus points if there’s a sign on the wall explicitly stating that the kitchen closes at 7. Which makes you wonder why they’re open until 10, but you never actually ask because you’re not quite sure you really want to know.
3. A “white party” on a boat.
Does the fact that so many middle-aged-to-seasoned black folks possess an affinity for parties on random lakes and ponds and shit where people wear all-white on boats count as irony? And if so, is it more ironic that these are the parties that white people are least likely to be invited to?
2. The overflow room at a black church.
Although you’ll definitely find a few white people at predominantly black church services—random specks of salt in seas of pepper—if they’re there, they’re usually there early. Or on time. Not 82 minutes late to a 90-minute-long service.
1. “The kitchen.”
I’m not talking about an actual kitchen with sinks and stoves and shit. And if you don’t know which kitchen I’m referring to, then great! Because you’re (probably) not black, and it would behoove you (and us) to continue the rest of your life without ever inquiring about or venturing there.
DISCUSSION
I also say the bus in NYC, the dance floor when “Before I Let Go” comes on and the Bronx.