Jim Cooke/GMG

Someone recently retweeted an article in my Twitter timeline about a woman who said that her husband likes to stick fruit inside her vagina, leave it in all day and eat it later that night.

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Oh no, baby. What is you doing?

I was immediately disgusted.

First of all, this sounds like a horrible yeast infection or case of bacterial vaginosis waiting to happen.

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You stick fruit up your cooter and bake a damn yeasty dump cake all day if you want to. The bottom gonna drop out, sis.

Believe me, I understand the allure of wanting your coochie to taste and smell good.

For years, women have been conditioned—by men, no less—to believe that their vaginas should smell like any and everything except a damn vagina.

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I admit that I have fallen prey to it as well.

While I don’t stick fruit in my vagina (again, knock that shit off), I consume large amounts of fresh pineapple and take cranberry-extract pills daily. While the cranberry-extract pills are labeled as being good for urinary tract health, I believed that they also aided me in having a sweet taste down below.

Boy, was I wrong.

I recently consulted three different women’s-health professionals and asked them to share their thoughts on vaginal health, vaginal odor and taste, and the overall idea of sticking things in your vagina to aid in both taste and smell. They all said basically the same thing in their email responses: STOP PUTTING THINGS IN YOUR VAGINA.

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Dr. Diane J. Horvath-Cosper is medical director of Whole Woman’s Health of Baltimore. She said that when patients ask her about vaginal odor and taste, she tells them that “healthy vaginas have a balance of several different kinds of bacteria that keep things healthy and smelling normal.”

All vaginas have an odor.

“Normal vaginas all have an odor, which can change with hormonal fluctuations and age, and it’s debatable if anything we eat or drink makes any large difference in our normal odor,” Horvath-Cosper said. “It stands to reason that if certain foods can make our urine smell strongly (asparagus, garlic, onions, etc.), it’s also possible that those foods could change the normal smell or taste of our vaginas.

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“I’d caution against putting fruit in the vagina to make things smell or taste better,” she added. “The sugars in the fruit can cause certain kinds of bacteria and yeast to overgrow, and this can result in bacterial infections, irritation and yeast infections, all of which can actually cause odor and discomfort instead of making things smell better.”

San Francisco OB-GYN and blogger Dr. Jen Gunter agrees.

“Women should not put fruit in their vaginas,” Gunter said. “This is untested, could have an unknown effect on lactobacilli (the good vagina), and plants have soil and fungi and bacteria that are typically not meant to be inoculated into the vagina.

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“I do not recommend women use any products to change their vaginal odor or taste. Vaginas are terrific how they are,” Gunter added.

Your vagina is like a self-cleaning oven.

Dr. Amanda Williams Calhoun, a practicing physician in the San Francisco Bay Area, said that women need to think of their vagina as a self-cleaning oven.

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“It doesn’t need help,” Calhoun said. “We just have to keep from messing it up.”

“Scented wipes and douches are the worst,” she continued. “They smell good for a minute, then they disturb your pH and often lead to yeast infections. Eating a balanced diet, hydrating, showering after a workout are your best bets. If the pH is off, boric acid suppositories from the natural food store can be helpful. In general, leave the poor girl alone.”

The “feminine hygiene” industry is a joke.

Horvath-Cosper had the following to say about the “feminine hygiene” industry and the way it markets to women:

The “feminine hygiene” industry is based on the idea that women should be ashamed of or uncomfortable with their normal vaginal odor. (Lysol was actually marketed to women as a douche. Lysol.) All those sprays, powders, perfumes, washes and douches are unnecessary and can cause more problems than they solve. If a person needs reassurance, then it’s totally fine to see their healthcare provider to be checked out.

If someone’s vagina is smelling foul, fishy, or more strongly than usual, I’d recommend being evaluated for both sexually transmitted infections and for things like yeast infections or bacterial vaginosis (BV), which can all cause discharge, irritation, and odor.

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So there you have it. The experts have spoken. Stop douching. Stop using feminine wipes. Stop sticking things in your vagina.

If you want to make sure she is clean and not smelly, just make sure you keep it clean and dry down there.

In the end, pussy is supposed to smell and taste like—well, pussy.