Stephen Miller Should've Gone to a Black Barber, Instead He Sprayed-Painted His Scalp With White Man Bigen

Sunday was Stephen Miller’s big day. The White House decided to trot out President Trump’s senior policy adviser to speak on... who cares WTF he was there to speak on because no one could pay attention because Stephen Miller went on national TV in front of God and errbody sporting a white man bigen blackout.

Seriously look at this shit!

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What is arguably the most deceitful move to come out one of the most deceitful presidencies, Miller walked onto Face the Nation sporting a brand new widow’s peak that was two shades darker than the rest of his head. And just like this corner-cutting administration, Miller believed that because he was on Face the Nation, and not Behind the Head of the Nation, he didn’t even bother to spray the back of his goddamn head!

Miller’s racism didn’t allow him to go to a black barber who could’ve at least faded his shit in so it wasn’t such a drastically noticeable barrage of fuzzy pubes on his fucking head. At this point, Miller would’ve made out better putting an actual live poodle on his scalp and walking out to do the interview as if he didn’t have a live poodle on his head.

Miller literally sprayed himself a receding hairline. If you are going to add some flair to your hair, go the Jamie Foxx and Ray Lewis way. These dudes literally got their barbers to give them the hairline of a 4-year-old Brazilian boy.

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Hell, he could’ve gone the Carlos Boozer route and melted a Sunday school shoe over his head.

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Shout out to the Face the Nation host, Margaret Brennan, for holding it together while talking to Miller. I kept expecting her to say “fuck immigration for a minute, I want to talk about your hairline.”

Look, the man went from this:

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To this:

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Please allow us to roast Stephen Miller’s hair for one second:

  • How the hell do you spray on your hair and still have a receding hairline? Did he run out of spray?
  • Maybe he just planted some Chia seeds in his scalp.
  • This is why Republicans don’t believe in climate change. They want to keep fucking up the ozone layer with weave-in-a-can.
  • How can you be the master race when your genetics fuck up your hair like this?
  • The Hair Club For Men has issued a cease and desist to Stephen Miller’s barber.
  • It still looks better than Robert Griffin III’s hair, though.

And as with most things in the Trump administration, we’re just supposed to act like it’s all normal.

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About the author

Stephen A. Crockett Jr.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.