Some Republicans Say Donald Trump Might Not Seek Re-Election, and I Don’t Know if We Should Cry or Praise-Dance

President Donald Trump in the White House on Oct. 26, 2017 (Jabin Botsford/the Washington Post/Getty Images)
President Donald Trump in the White House on Oct. 26, 2017 (Jabin Botsford/the Washington Post/Getty Images)

In the past few days, two top Republican officials have insinuated that America might not get a sequel to this dumpster fire of a presidency that some news organizations refer to as “the Trump administration.”


On Sunday night on MSNBC, the humanlike ball of poodle hair Kentuckians somehow elected to the Senate, Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.), said that even though Donald Trump is raising millions of dollars for re-election, Americans shouldn’t assume he is running.

“I think we won’t know that until we get into sort of the second or third year of his presidency,” Paul said.


A few days earlier, New Jersey Gov. and longtime Trump supporter Humpty Dumpty Chris Christie told Matt Lauer on the Today show that he was not sure if Trump would run again because “Four years is a long time, and especially for someone who has not spent a lifetime in politics, so I think those years affect him differently.”

I was afraid this would happen.

There have been multiple reports about how much Trump dislikes the job of commander in chief and how he assumed being president would be a cakewalk. He apparently thought that being the leader of the free world just meant four years of playing golf, eating fried chicken in the Oval Office and occasionally berating the widows of dead soldiers.


But before you break into your Holy Ghost shout at the prospect of Citrus Hitler going back to his life of bankrupting companies, bullshit artistry and pussy grabbing, allow me to lay out a few reasons why having Donald Trump quit like he was an Alaska governor or a White Lives Matter rallygoer would be a bad thing for America:

It Lets the Republican Party Off the Hook

The only good thing about the Trump presidency is the possibility that it could leave the Republican Party in shambles. In less than a year, the GOP’s inability to govern has been exposed. They whined about Obamacare for eight years and never put together a plan to repeal or replace it. They screamed about the threat of Mexicans and Muslims but haven’t written a single page of an immigration-reform bill.


If Trump decides not to run again, the GOP will pretend that the Trump years were an aberration and get back to business as usual. It would be a “Get out of the shitstorm free” card.

After eight years of President Comb-Over, the U.S. might be a postapocalyptic, North Korean pile of nuclear winter ashes, but at least the Republican Party would be in shambles, too.


We Need a Way to Spot White Supremacists

Without Trump to point out the good Nazis “on both sides,” white supremacy will probably become less emboldened and recede back into the shadows. Trump’s departure from the White House after one term wouldn’t put an end to white nationalist sentiment; it would just make racists do their work under the cover of anonymity, like old times.


I don’t know about you, but I like seeing white people walking around in “Make America Great Again” hats. It’s like a dashiki for the unwoke. I’m sure our Mexican and Muslim brothers appreciate knowing which people they should avoid.

If racism stops trending, who’s going to tell me to go back to Africa? When passing out flyers for the Black Lives Matter rally, activists save a lot of paper by skipping the cars with Trump-Pence bumper stickers.


It’s really an environmental issue.

Our Attention Spans Are Too Short

I really hope Trump’s ineptitude will dismantle America’s stupid affinity for the two-party system, but a one-term reign would likely make us forget what it’s like to have a president who doesn’t collude with our enemies and sexually assault women.


If you think there’s no way anyone would ever forget this racist, warmongering, inept administration filled with unqualified officials and the fact that it is despised worldwide, just remember this:

George W. Bush is now just a beloved old man who paints pretty pictures.


If he quits, Donald Trump will forever hold his chest out and say, “The American people chose me.” He always wins. I want him to lose.


I want to see him shamed at the ballot box. I want him to whine about the Electoral College and shadowy voters until he dies. I want him to see how hated he is. I want his supporters to be ridiculed for supporting a dim-witted con artist.

I want people to poke fun at his lack of policy understanding in the next debates. I want an election where Republican candidates are reminded how they backed a dictator-in-training just to toe the party line. I want Trump held accountable for conspiring with Russia. I want Melania, Ivanka, Eric and Donald Jr. to cry in the car.


If Trump decides not to run, he will ride into the sunset as a symbol of “alt-right” populism who came to Washington, fought the status quo and won. He will forever be a legend. He can’t quit now ...

American isn’t great again, yet.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.


Monique Judge

Praise dance. Definitely praise dance.