I miss the old Cory Booker, the Newark, N.J., mayor who was so grassroots that he was like a New Jersey-born superhero who literally was saving people from burning buildings and pushing snowed-in cars to safety. Oh, Hurricane Sandy knocked your power out? No biggie, just slide over to Booker’s crib to watch Netflix and order takeout.
When Booker became a New Jersey senator, he was supposed to bring with him some of the Newark-mayor charm and grit that made him a down-to-earth favorite. He was the little people’s champ.
On Thursday, Booker and Sen. Jeff Flake (R-Ariz.) had a snowball duel. They literally had a Hamilton-esque snowball showdown on the Capitol’s East Lawn in which the loser buys the other’s staff pizza.
Come on, son. Seriously? Booker, what is you doing?
Flake’s newfound moral compass shouldn’t fool you. He’s making a run for president in 2020. His behavior is indicative of it. All of a sudden the same Jeff Flake who has voted in line with the Trump administration some 85 percent of the time is now the president’s biggest Republican critic? Jeff Flake, who didn’t oppose a single one of Donald Trump’s Cabinet picks, including Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, whose recent interviews make Sarah Palin look like Marie Curie?
I don’t know how to make this clear, but the Trump administration is currently rolling back civil liberties afforded civilians during the Obama administration, and it isn’t a good look to have a fucking snowball fight with the Republican opposition.
Look at this goofy shit:
Can someone go outside and tell Booker to get off his knees? Thanks. Sincerely, black America.
And don’t give me that Flake-is-starting-to-look-and-sound-like-a-liberal-Republican bullshit. Flake is merely distancing himself from the Trumptanic that is going down like a Kardashian at an NBA All-Star Game. And now is probably not the time to be trying out your Matrix-styled snowball fast pitch with the enemies.
But I’ve got questions, a lot of them:
- How’d this even come about? The only acceptable answer is, “Loser files impeachment proceedings.”
- Who called whom? Who dialed up the Senate office and asked, “Hey, you want to go outside and act like fifth-graders from Florida who have never seen snow?”
- How are Booker and Flake even on terms this tight that would allow for this call? I’m just saying—you’d never see John McCain doing this bullshit with Kamala Harris.
- Did Booker call him SnowFlake?
- Who’s taking pictures? Did they really have people outside taking photos of this goofy shit?
- Who thought this was a good idea? I don’t want to invoke the idea of toxic masculinity, but grown men shouldn’t be frolicking. I gave up frolicking when I turned 25.
- No, seriously, who thought during this administration at this time on this day in the two thousand eighteenth year of our Lord, M’Baku T. M’Nigga, that this was a good idea? I’m sure there are other things they could be doing, like preventing the Russian takeover of our elections, fighting the opioid epidemic or—here’s an idea—anything besides prancing around in the snow while the country descends into a Trump-fueled dumpster fire!
- Would Newark Mayor Cory Booker have approved of these snow-related shenanigans? Of course he wouldn’t. To be fair, the snow in Newark is urine-colored and laced with heroin.
I’m not sure if the public knows this, but Trump once had a snow duel with a certain Russian president, and that duel is being investigated by the special counsel. While that may not be true, it’s certainly plausible.
We don’t fuck with Jeff Flake like that. Just because the rest of his Republican counterparts are too chickenshit to state what we can all see happening in this disastrous, racist, xenophobic White House doesn’t make him a hero or even a good dude; it just makes him Captain Obvious.
The only Jeff we acknowledge is Jazzy.
Seriously, I know that the whole snowball thing was supposed to be a lighthearted attempt at playing nice, but I’m getting sick of Democrats playing nice with Trump’s coldhearted, soulless enablers. The only way this would be cool is if Booker hid a rock in one of his snowballs. Now, that’s some real Brick City shit.
You know who would never have engaged in a fucking snowball duel with Jeff Flake? Maxine Waters, that’s who. She’s too busy calling for the impeachment of a man who honestly believes that the best days for America were during slavery. Now that I think about it, I hope she doesn’t see this. Auntie Maxine would side-eye Cory Booker so hard, she might require retina surgery.
Maybe fewer snowballs and more mudslinging, because I’m really getting tired of Democrats extending their hands across the aisle when the real work lies in burning this administration to the ground. The only time we should see a Democrat doing anything like this is when we can finally revel in the white, snowflakelike ashes of the entire Trump administration.
Now, I’d frolic for that.