Illustration for article titled Sen. Bernie Sanders Finally Makes It Official and Ends His Floundering Fish on Sand Run for President
Photo: Win McNamee (Getty Images)

Guess what, America? You aren’t going to have Sen. Bernie Sanders to kick around anymore because the independent Vermont senator has officially ended his presidential campaign, only four months after he should have.

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Sanders announced Wednesday that it’s over. He’s packing up his briefcase and moving back to one of his three houses to retire his efforts of leading this country towards independence while counting his millions of dollars because of socialism.

I am joking, kind of. I mean, Sanders ran a good race but let’s face it, former President Obama didn’t fuck with him and it was going to be hard to beat out former Vice President Joe Biden, who currently has photos of himself and Obama in front of an airbrushed background with them both wearing matching denim outfits.

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Bernie “Medicare for All” Sanders was posed to be the people’s champ with strong primary showings in Iowa, New Hampshire and Nevada but then it all kind of went to shit in South Carolina, when black people got to vote. And not because Sanders did anything wrong per se; he just couldn’t compete with Biden’s strong support among older black voters.

And let’s be honest, America fucked up putting these dizzy white men in the position to be the next president when we all know that this was a woman’s work (looking at you, Elizabeth Warren). But whatever, America is determined to continue to fuck itself over, as that’s kind of the American way.

Here’s how NBC News explains Sanders fumbling the bag:

In his 2020 bid, the senator worked to broaden his support with Latino voters, and his coalition grew more diverse because of it. But despite years of outreach to increase his popularity among black voters, Sanders failed to earn their votes in large numbers. He also lost some of his white working-class supporters to Biden, a fracture of his coalition that cost him crucial votes in states like Michigan.

Sanders also stumbled with women voters, facing accusations of sexism in January after tensions between his and Warren’s campaigns spilled out into the open. The two progressives had largely remained allies while campaigning for the nomination, but a series of leaks to the media from aides and supporters of both senators accusing the other camp of dirty tricks and lying culminated in Warren saying in a statement that Sanders once told her he didn’t think a woman could win the presidency.

Sanders denied the claim, but he was hit with further criticism of his supporters — dubbed the “Bernie Bros” — after female union leaders in Nevada who spoke out against his candidacy said they were attacked by his fans.

His campaign officially stalled in South Carolina. Fueled by a crucial endorsement from Rep. James Clyburn, D-S.C., Biden won the Palmetto State decisively. The moderate wing of the party then consolidated around him — Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg both dropped out of the race and endorsed him — and Biden won 10 of 14 states on Super Tuesday.

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So that’s it. Sanders is out. I mean he stayed in the fray long enough for Whoopi Goldberg to ask him WTF he was still doing in the race, so now maybe this means that we can get back to the business at hand, which is panicking about when we are going to be able to go outside again and continuously wondering WTF Biden is talking about.

Congrats, America. You played yourself.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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