If recent reports are correct, we may have seen the last of Sean “Spicy Facts” Spicer, and if this is so, then it sucks for America. Spicy Facts was a weekly dose of comic relief in a White House so absurd that it tipped over the line of tragic comedy and now currently lives in tragedy.
Spicy—he of the ill-fitting suits and continuous attitude problem—provided a much-needed break from the usual blowhard propaganda that was leaking from this administration like water from a cracked fish tank.
Word is that Spicy will stay on as the communications director, but he’s currently looking for his replacement as the White House press secretary. I don’t think Spicy had any idea that this administration was going to be the sewer hole that it has become, and he probably welcomes this reduced role, but searching for your replacement has to feel like a kick in the sack.
“We have sought input from many people as we look to expand our communications operation. As he did in the beginning, Sean Spicer is managing both the communications and press office,” White House officials said in a statement Monday, according to U.S. News & World Report.
Who knows what will really happen with this Kehlani-ass administration? This isn’t the first time we’ve heard that ol’ Spicy’s name was on the chopping block. He fell out of Dictator Deplorable’s good graces months ago. In fact, he’s fallen off the damn map, now that Sarah Huckabee Sanders, aka Suckabee, has been hosting the daily press briefings. She has the attitude of a wet dishcloth and doesn’t come close to matching Spicy’s charm.
Is Spicy an asshole? Of course he is! And that is one of the prerequisites of working for the Trump administration. He was a lovable asshole in the way that the upside of a stomach virus is immediate weight loss. Spicy knew how to handle a crowd, and by “handle,” I mean he would throw an adult temper tantrum and it would be glorious.
We knew from the time Spicy walked out to the podium and said that the president had 1 gazillion people at his inauguration what we were getting: a man who was willing to go down with the ship. And while there is nothing poetic about that, it sounds good. Spicy played a really creepy Donnie Darko Easter Bunny during the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, but even then, I don’t think Spicy was deplorable enough to do the job the way the White House wanted.
Not to mention, when fat-ass mush face Papa Bannon is talking shit about you, it’s time to leave. When Papa Bannon was asked why White House press briefings were being held off camera, a move that is so ridiculous I can’t even explain it, Papa Bannon replied, “Sean got fatter,” according to The Atlantic.
And because the world has truly become a bizarre alternative world with Commander TrumPutin at the switch, Chelsea Clinton is on social media sticking up for Spicy!
When users pointed out that Papa Bannon was probably joking, Clinton altered her tweet to read:
OK. I give up, and I’m signing off for the day because I hate everything.