Satan’s Starting 5 Took the Stage for Day 2 of the Republican National Convention

Illustration for article titled Satan’s Starting 5 Took the Stage for Day 2 of the Republican National Convention
Photo: Alex Wong (Getty Images)

Day 2 of Satan’s pep rally couldn’t even get started before it was bogged down in controversy.

Advertisement

Turns out that one of President Trump’s supporters who was set to speak at racism’s national teleconference, commonly called the Republican National Convention, was axed from the starting lineup on Tuesday after she retweeted some anti-Semitic bullshit with a QAnon conspiracy theory chaser.

CNBC reports that some yahoo named Mary Ann Mendoza tweeted a long-ass conspiracy theory thread encouraging her 40,000 followers to do themselves a favor “and read this thread.”

Advertisement

The tweets have since been removed and so was Mendoza’s ass. Sadly, for those who believe it was just fine to put immigrant children in cages, they missed out on Mendoza’s immigration policy ideas and her criticism of Democratic nominee Joe Biden and former President Barack Obama.

And I for one am shocked. Not because a Trump supporter believes in anti-Semitism or QAnon wildness but that the RNC decided to axe her from the lineup when they all believe the same shit. But I guess this is what happens when you have the first convention of the undead: They all try to look like they are alive, just regular people who are racist or sexist or horrible, though we all know the truth.

They didn’t cut Mendoza for her beliefs; they cut her for making her beliefs public when they aren’t trying to look like vampires.

Think the interview with Papa John where he was trying his best to convince America that he hadn’t been bitten:

Advertisement
Illustration for article titled Satan’s Starting 5 Took the Stage for Day 2 of the Republican National Convention
Screenshot: WDRB

And this was all before the shitshow even started.

Once it started, the shit just kept coming.

Abby Johnson is a white woman who wears shirts like “If there was a problem, yo, I’ll solve it.” She is also an anti-abortion white woman and the mother of a biracial son. He will be seen in America as a Black man. And while she was one of the top speakers Tuesday night, it was the shit she said after George Floyd’s killing that has many people all the way fucked up.

Advertisement

This white woman, who apparently has white kids and black kids because she’s popping on these RNC streets, believes it would be totally fine for police to racially profile her son because he’s Black.

“Statistically, my brown son is more likely to commit a violent offense over my white sons,” Johnson said during a 15-minute video posted to YouTube in June after weeks of America’s uprising, Vice reports.

Advertisement

“I recognize that I’m gonna have to have a different conversation with Jude than I do with my brown-haired little Irish, very, very pale-skinned, white sons, as they grow up,” Johnson said. I would agree, and it should probably be about how mommy didn’t do anything to combat systemic racism but rather sacrificed her Black child so her white one wouldn’t be imposed upon.

Wait, I’m getting a phone call.

Me: Hello?

Voice: Hey, Steve. It’s Satan.

Me: I told you to stop calling me as I don’t live that kind of life anymore.

Satan: This isn’t about you. I was just calling to say fuck that lady. I don’t want her.

Advertisement

This albatross of white pudding continued: “Right now, Jude is an adorable, perpetually tan-looking little brown boy. But one day, he’s going to grow up and he’s going to be a tall, probably sort of large, intimidating-looking-maybe brown man. And my other boys are probably gonna look like nerdy white guys.”

And if you haven’t started punching shit in your house, know this: Johnson and her husband adopted this biracial boy at birth in 2015 to subject him to this. I want so much more for America. I’m worried about America.

Advertisement

I didn’t think it was possible for someone worse than this woman to speak at the RNC, and then they had to go and prove me wrong.

The “fuck that guy and go charge Breonna Taylor’s killers, you piece of shit” award goes to Kentucky Attorney General Daniel Cameron, who has done everything but charge the killers with murder. He’s been eating, exfoliating, getting married and speaking at the fucking RNC and doesn’t even understand that the reason he’s being asked to speak is because he’s doing the devil’s work by not charging the men who burst into Taylor’s home and killed her before she could even realize what was going on. And yet there he was, unconflicted about the decision before him, blasting Democratic nominee Joe Biden and making nice at the RNC. Fuck this guy and his newfound celebrity stained with Taylor’s blood. I don’t give a fuck what he had to say on this night and won’t unless it’s that the state of Kentucky has formally charged the men in Breonna Taylor’s gruesome death. Short of that, he can continue to…

Advertisement

Wait, I’m getting a text.

Satan: Man, fuck this guy. (Mariah Carey “I don’t know her” face).

I thought that I knew all of the Trump kids: I know Barron because the right is all, “Don’t nobody say anything bad about Barron,” which was also Trump’s fake name when acting as his own publicist. I know about Ivanka and Donald Jr. and that one who looks like an out-of-work vampire who never learned how to feed on his own (he also spoke on Tuesday night). But on Tuesday, America got a look at someone named Tiffany Trump, and I swear I didn’t know there was a Tiffany (I know about Teanna Trump, but I don’t think they are blood-related.) But there she was flapping her jowls saying something that I didn’t hear because I was trying to figure out how Kimberly “the screaming demon” Guilfoyle got a do-over, and by the time I decided to give a shit, I learned that it was Tiffany and she was gone, which makes me wonder: If Tiffany gives a speech and you don’t hear it does she even exist?

Advertisement

And finally, Hogan’s favorite hero dressed in the finest army get-up from the early wars, the Slovakeian rain woman herself, the geniusest of all geniuses, the chainy-est of migrators, Melania Trump, made her appearance and unfortunately, I don’t speak birther so I also don’t know what the fuck she said. But I want America to stop acting like this woman isn’t a heartless trash can. America loves to take away her agency as if she’s being held captive. Meanwhile, Melania is busy with her boyfriend and fucking up Jackie Kennedy’s rose garden. Melania came and said some shit that no one cares about because truthfully, Melania is a woman of few words and most of them are racist.

Wednesday is all about sexless robot Vice President Mike Pence, who is really auditioning to keep his job, so maybe he’ll go batshit crazy like that one time on Small Wonder where the television remote control and V.I.C.I’s wires got crossed and she went bonkers.


Join the discussion! The Root is hosting its first-ever, virtual Root Institute, presented by Target, featuring several of the leading minds in our community talking about politics, culture, health, community building and social impact. Subscribe for updates today!

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter

DISCUSSION

Dr Emilio Lizardo

One of the messages of this convention has been “not only are we totally not racist, racism isn’t even really a problem in America.” They are trying to make it OK for at least a few moderates to vote for Donny without having to take a shower afterwards. Even they aren’t dumb enough to put Mendoza up there immediately after making racist tweets.

That’s also obviously what the pardons and the citizenship ceremony were about.  “How can you say he’s racist when he made people citizens on national TV?”