For former Trump administration officials, there are really only two places to go after leaving the White House: reality TV or Fox News, which is really reality TV for white people who hate the truth.
So it’s with little fanfare that I announce that former White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, aka “Suckabee,” who might’ve been the worst press secretary not named Anthony Scaramucci or Sean Spicer, is joining Fox News as a contributor.
It’s a perfect fit for Suckabee, considering the network’s history of promoting falsehoods and Suckabee’s allergies to the truth.
Unlike racehorses who retire and then fade into oblivion, the Hill notes that Suckabee “will appear on various Fox platforms to provide political commentary. She will make her first appearance on Fox & Friends during its Sept. 6 broadcast,” which basically means that most of us will never see her again.
Suckabee moved her way up from working on the Trump campaign to press secretary, where she worked for two years lying for her lord and overseer. In that role, she chastised the White House press corps, beefed with CNN contributor April Ryan, and, because she couldn’t handle the press questioning about her lies, completely dismantled the press briefings, which, before the Trump administration, were really boring.
Suckabee might’ve been auditioning for this role during the final days of her time as the devil’s mouthpiece; when she didn’t hold regular press briefings, she frequently appeared on Fox News programs to answer questions from anchors.
From the Hill:
Her credibility took a hit after she admitted to federal investigators that she misled reporters when she claimed during a May 2017 briefing that “countless” FBI agents had told her they supported Trump’s decision to fire former Director James Comey.
Sanders has been floated as a future gubernatorial candidate in her native Arkansas, where her father, Mike Huckabee, held the same job for 11 years. Huckabee is also a Fox News contributor and hosted a weekend show on the network.
Please, God, don’t let Suckabee run for governor of Arkansas. She’s totally going to run for governor of Arkansas, isn’t she? The Hill notes that Trump is supportive of a possible gubernatorial bid. Suckabee claimed when she left the White House she wanted to spend more time with her family, but everyone says that—except Anthony Scaramucci, whose then-wife filed for divorce from his ass in 2017, while she was nine months pregnant.
The Trump administration met Fox News on a Christian singles website and the two have been fucking ever since. The Trump administration often hires directly from Fox News, since the only requirement for working in the White House is fighting Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) and Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Calif.) for space on Trump’s ass to kiss.
The Hill notes that Trump “hired former Fox News executive Bill Shine as communications director. Shine left that post earlier this year and joined an outside group supporting President Trump’s re-election campaign.”
Hope Hicks, who Trump creepily called “Hopie” and “Hopester,” “worked as Trump’s communications director prior to Shine and now works in a similar role for Fox Corporation,” the Hill reports.
At least Suckabee has an actual job, considering that Scaramucci had a weird role on Celebrity Big Brother and has found new fame as a Trump detractor. You can catch Sean Spicer on the upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars unless ABC folds to the public’s demand to rid America of a pariah, even if it’s only from a dancing show.