Robert Mueller and His Wack Report Went Out Like a Bad Knee, and This Isn't the First Time

Image for article titled Robert Mueller and His Wack Report Went Out Like a Bad Knee, and This Isn't the First Time
Photo: Tasos Katopodis (Getty Images)

Special Counsel Robert Mueller was supposed to find the pee-pee tapes. Instead he went out like Geraldo opening Al Capone’s vault. In fact, there was more in Capone’s vault than has been released from Mueller’s findings.


The big takeaway from Mueller’s report, according to a four-page summary released by Attorney General William Barr, is that President Trump, the BFF to Russian President Vladimir Putin, didn’t collude with Russia during the 2016 presidential election. Trump has been shouting that shit since it was announced, which means we are going to have to deal with his annoying ass gloating over Mueller being unable to connect the dots that everyone, including Trump, knows are there.

Trump doesn’t run, but we are going to have deal with his untanned ass taking a victory lap. Hell, the devil’s mouthpiece, Sarah Suckabee Sanders, has already been on all the morning news shows boasting that the Democrats’ push to use the investigation as a means to impeach the president has failed miserably. And she’s kind of right. This was going to be the Bible that the Dems would stand on in trying to push Trump’s compromised ass out of the White House.

But, this isn’t the first time that Mueller has let the people down in siding with big business. Remember Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice? He was the last NFL player to be kicked out the league after video showed him knocking his then fiancé unconscious in an elevator.

Mueller was tasked with investigating for the NFL, which is weird because much like the Trump investigation, the NFL hired Mueller to investigate the NFL. Mueller job was to find out how much the NFL knew about the incident, which initially only landed Rice a two-game suspension and a fine. It wasn’t until TMZ Sports leaked the elevator footage that the NFL then wanted to appear tough on domestic violence and booted Rice from the league.

Mueller was hired to answer two questions: “Whether anyone at the League had received or seen the in-elevator video prior to its public release on September 8; and what other evidence was obtained by, provided to, or available to the League in the course of its investigation,” Vice News reports.

Mueller appeared to do a thorough investigation into what and when the NFL knew but in the end he found, much like the Russia investigation, that the league wasn’t at fault, but that they weren’t necessarily all clean either.


Mueller found that while the NFL may not have actively covered up the incident, the organization didn’t do its due diligence in trying to find out the real story. How about the NFL never even contacted the police who showed up after the Rice incident?

So now we wait to see if Democrats will be able to pry the findings from Barr’s hands. So far, all we know is what Barr has released, but if Mueller’s NFL findings have taught us anything (that report was almost 100 pages), Mueller isn’t light on paperwork.



We do not yet know what is in the Mueller Report.

We know what a partisan Attorney General wrote about the Mueller Report.

I wonder how much overlap there would be in a Venn diagram of the two documents.