I’m against cancel culture.
While most people agree that they have the right not to patronize people or entities with whom they disagree, I don’t support the party that attempted to cancel democracy, election integrity, Black people’s right to vote, truth and facts. But, after years of championing free speech (except for kneeling football players), Christian values (except for Matt Gaetz and Donald Trump), and small government (except for border walls, military spending and women’s vaginas), the White People’s Party has apparently decided to fight the scourge of cancel culture by canceling things.
In the wake of some of the largest corporations speaking out against Republican lawmakers’ effort to pass voter suppression laws in 43 state legislatures, GOP leaders have called for boycotts of some of white America’s favorite products, including Delta Airlines, Major League Baseball and Coca Cola. (In contrast, Black America continues to support Spirit Airlines, minor league Spades and the ancient medicinal beverage known as “gin-drell.”)
After Coca-Cola CEO James Quincey blasted Georgia’s recent whites-
only mostly voting law, Republicans in the Georgia House of Representatives sent a letter to the Georgia Beverage Association to “respectfully requesting all Coca-Cola Company products be removed” from their offices immediately.
According to the Journal-Constitution, Georgia House Speaker David Ralston reportedly switched to Pepsi, which means he’s going to be very thirsty in Georgia, where Coca-Cola is headquartered. While “Coca-Cola” is Georgia slang for any carbonated beverage, ordering a Pepsi in Atlanta is like hooking Matt Gaetz up with someone who’s completed the eleventh grade. Someone’s going to be disappointed.
Meanwhile, Republican National Committee Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel announced that she was canceling her plans to watch the sport that she probably never watched anyway because it contains too many Spanish-speaking immigrants who steal bases, leap over walls and use filthy words like “dugout.”
I would have guessed “ripping her mask off to spit in the face of a cardboard cutout of a Martin Luther King Jr. during her 15-minute break from fueling the white nationalist efforts to dismantle America’s pseudo-democracy by any means necessary.” Then I realized McDaniel is a Republican, so she probably wasn’t wearing a mask. Then again, Klan hoods are technically masks and hocking loogies in the face of Black people is also “not watching baseball,” so I wasn’t necessarily wrong.
I’m great at guessing games.
Hall of fame vote suppressor Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp also warned that the “attacks” from Coke and other corporations were “the direct result of repeated lies from Joe Biden and Stacey Abrams about a bill that expands access to the ballot box and ensures the integrity of our election,” USA Today reports. Former President Donald Trump chipped in to offer a list of things his supporters should boycott, including MLB, Coke, Delta, JP Morgan Chase, Viacom Cisco and Merck, in a statement that could have easily been twee–
“For years the Radical Left Democrats have played dirty by boycotting products when anything from that company is done or stated in any way that offends them,” wrote Trump, while sipping on a Coke, per NBC. “Now they are going big time with WOKE CANCEL CULTURE and our sacred elections.”
Although the boycott against Cisco may be related to the Supreme Handmaiden Amy Coney Barrett’s anti-thong agenda (the “Thong Song” was actually pretty conservative), the GOP’s renewed interest in cancel culture echoes previous conservative retail protests including:
- That time they canceled Starbucks for the war on Christmas;
- The pro-child molester Keurig boycott of 2018;
- The GOP’s anger at Ben & Jerry’s and Amazon’s Alexa for agreeing that “Black Lives Matter”;
- The anti-Nike shoe-burning shenanigans.
I haven’t checked, but I’m sure Amazon, Nike and Starbucks have all crumbled under the weight of these boycotts. Does ice cream even exist anymore? Mail?
Although I am not a Republican, I support this effort to dismantle cancel culture. In fact, I also have a few suggestions on other things that Republicans should cancel:
- Attempting to overthrow the government
- Being racist AF
- Dancing in public
- Pretending Fox News has news
- Pretending to care about poor white people
- Men deciding what women should do with their bodies
- About one-quarter of the length of Marjorie Taylor Green’s face
- Caring about who other people have sex with
- That thing under Mitch McConnell’s chin
- Right-wing domestic terrorism
- Trying to Make America Great Again
“Guess what I’m doing today?” asked the entire Republican Party.
“Being racist again?” replied Black America, to the shock of the entire GOP.
See? I’m great at guessing games.