Republican Senate Ike Turners Judge Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court, Successfully Forcing America to Eat the Goddamn Cake

Unless Seattle Seahawks wide receiver D.K. Metcalf can run down judge Amy Coney Barrett and tackle her before she takes her seat on the Supreme Court, this is a done deal and the fate we all knew was coming has come.

Seriously, D.K. Metcalf.

The Republican Senate has effectively Ike Turner’d Coney Barrett’s handmaid ass onto the highest court in the land literally a week before the presidential election, confirming that Republicans are, in fact, the largest mafia in America.

On Monday, in a major victory for the president’s efforts to keep his ass out of jail, Supreme Court nominee Judge Amy Coney Barrett will be confirmed, and America just got fucked. In just his first and hopefully only term in office, President Trump was able to appoint three judges to the Supreme Court and move the high court in a conservative direction that is bound to screw all of us who like weed and women in thongs. That’s right; Amy Coney Barrett is so fucking conservative that she believes buttcheeks don’t deserve to be free.

Because Republicans run shit, this is a done deal. “Trump is expected to swear-in Barrett at the White House in an outdoor ceremony at 9 p.m., Monday, after her expected confirmation,” CNN reports.

Despite her originalist old-fogey position, Barrett is only 48, which means she’s going to be on the court for fucking ever and it also means that assholes have a Supreme Court 6-3 conservative majority, which means we are fucked. They are probably going to destroy the Affordable Care Act, much to the delight of President Trump, and make abortion illegal. Barrett will also probably ask that they look at changing the black robes the justices wear to something a little less revealing.

From CNN:

Senate Republicans, who hold a majority in the upper chamber, have pushed ahead with one of the quickest nomination proceedings in modern times following the death of the late Justice and liberal icon Ruth Bader Ginsburg last month.

They have the votes to confirm Barrett over the objections of Democrats who have argued that the process has been a rushed and cynical power grab that threatens to undermine Ginsburg’s legacy.

“The Senate is doing the right thing. We’re moving this nomination forward and, colleagues, by tomorrow night we will have a new member of the United States Supreme Court,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said on Sunday after the Senate advanced the nomination in a key procedural vote to break a Democratic filibuster.

McConnell also looks like he has a fanny pack under his neck, so there is that.

All Democrats are expected to vote against Barrett’s nomination but get this shit: two Republican senators —Susan Collins of Maine and Lisa Murkowski of Alaska—are expected to vote against her nomination in a procedural vote claiming that the nomination is too close to the election. “Murkowski has already announced, however, that she will ultimately vote to confirm Barrett in the final vote” and Collins has noted that she is “very concerned” about why she’s not very concerned.

This is all bullshit and everyone knows it, but knowing that something is bullshit doesn’t mean you can actually do something about it. Unless you’re D.K. Metcalf; then you can do anything you want.