Photo: Columbia University (Getty Images)

The white kid spotted extolling the virtues of whiteness to fellow students in a recent viral video wants you to know he’s definitely not racist.

Columbia University sophomore Julian von Abele, a physics major, shared a statement with The Daily Beast stating his actions in the video fail to show “his true beliefs,” casting the outburst as “part of a broader debate and series of events that provide important context.”

Surely, all of those words must mean he’s not a racist!

“I am not a white supremacist,” he said, “or racist, nor do I subscribe to any views that support that ideology. I unequivocally denounce all groups that support racism.”

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Instead, von Abele’s “reaction that evening grew out of my distaste for the overuse of the term ‘white privilege’ and similar divisive rhetoric as a means of dismissing views of others.”

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According to von Abele, his screed was less racist tirade than plea for all races to appreciate the contributions of other races. He just so happened to only laud white Europeans.

After an argument that began when students began accusing Trump supporters of encouraging sexual violence (which they did with their votes), von Abele eventually became irate, feeling he was being “held personally responsible for the historical actions” of white people, and had grown tired of “ the divisive rhetoric that blames all the ills of society on white men.”

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“I believe that every single person should love themselves and love their culture, and we should all be allowed to be proud of our heritage.”

von Abele, the heretofore anonymous white man granted a platform upon which to explain his actions by a popular online news site, went on to say that he “would like to have [his] views be fairly considered in the public discourse, and not dismissed solely due to my race and gender.”

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Aside from the fact that he’s 1) dressed like a rejected Fonzworth Bentley look from 2003, 2) wrong about Europeans inventing the modern world and 3) judging by the length thereof, wearing his blazer and shirt from 6th grade picture day, von Abele’s “racially charged incident” is now being investigated by Columbia, who denounced his remarks.

This is Columbia’s second such “racially charged incident” in as many weeks. On November 29th, the New York Times reported that 77-year-old Jewish professor Elizabeth Midlarsky had racial epithets and swastikas painted on her office walls.

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While he maintains his rhetoric was meant to “theatrically and sarcastically” demonstrate “that whites are not allowed to embrace their cultural achievements,” von Abele took his thought exercise on the road.

Kwolanne Felix, another student at the University, told reporters that her racist peer followed the group to the dining hall, where the “rhetoric” continued.

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At the time of this article’s writing, racist Doogie Howser has yet to put some bass in his voice apologize for his racist remarks.