When the president had his routine physical last year, he was quick to usher out Dr. Ronny Jackson to do a press conference announcing that he was the most fit 71-year-old man whose diet consists of fast food. Oh, he swore that the president was only taking a low dose of cholesterol medicine and that he wasn’t obese. The president loved Dr. Ronny Jackson so much that he wanted to name him the head of the Veterans Administration. Then Dr. Ronny Jackson’s own life fell apart. First, it was rumored that the physical was faked, either that or Ronny forgot how to spell his own damn name as the report reportedly was signed by Dr. Ronnie Jackson.
Suggested Reading
Then it was discovered that old Ronny might be overprescribing folks and may be a little heavy handed with the alcohol. So Ronny Jackson is out. Now, a new physician has given Trump his routine physical and there was no press conference. In fact, it’s almost been a week and the results haven’t even been released.
RawStory notes that some of former president Obama’s past physicals took a while to get to the press because actual tests were run, so maybe media hasn’t received the president’s physical results because he’s actually going through a real physical.
“I examine patients from the top of their head to the bottom of their feet,” Obama’s former physician, Dr. David Scheiner told MSNBC. “You can do a complete exam in 10 minutes and cover everything, you really can, but you zero in on certain things. For example: in a man who’s overweight, you would take particular interest to see if his liver is enlarged because with obesity comes fatty liver. Also, you want to see if the fat he has is distributed in the midsection because that adds to the cardiovascular risk.”
Schiener also noted that because Trump has high cholesterol it would be wise to make sure that “he doesn’t have any occlusive vascular disease.”
Oh, and he noted that either the president has trouble reading big words or he needs a neurological exam as he has some difficulties with “word-finding.”
“Although I don’t do it ordinarily, he’s had some difficulties with word-finding,” the physician said. “I’m a little concerned about that.”
We all are.
Updated: Tuesday, February 14, 2019, 5:47 p.m. EST:
I keep trying to tell y’all that the White House reads The Root. I posted the above story at 4:31 p.m. EST and clearly the White House read and realized that I was hot on the trail of a major coverup and decided that they better get the president’s physical exam out ASAP.
As such, The White House has released his records and to my shock and dismay, the 72-year-old president is an “very good health overall,” CNN reports. I’m not saying that the report has been doctored, I’m just saying that we all know that the president eats like a pimply faced preteen with a bank card. The 6-foot 3-inch president reportedly only gained four pounds since his physical exam last year, going from a reported 239 pounds to 243 pounds. Trump’s Body Mass Index is now 30.4, which technically puts him into the obese category, but just barely.
From CNN:
His blood pressure was measured as 118/80. In his physical last year, his blood pressure was 116/70.
The President also received immunizations: the Pneumovax 23 vaccine, which protects against pneumococcal diseases such as meningitis and pneumonia, and the Shingrix vaccine, which protects against shingles.
The examination took “approximately four hours” and did not require any sedation or anesthesia, Conley said. Trump was seen by 11 different specialists while at Walter Reed.
So as it stands, the president is a businessman who inherited the majority of his fortune. He’s the president despite the majority of people in America voting for someone else and he’s got “very good overall health” despite eating fast food and seal fat.
I don’t know how this man does it. Either everyone is lying for him, or he’s apart of the undead more commonly referred to as Skellyanne Conway.
Straight From 
Sign up for our free daily newsletter.