Donald Trump Just Can’t Get Off LaVar’s Balls

Brian Blanco/Getty Images
Brian Blanco/Getty Images

President ChiChi von FruitSnacks is up to his old WWE tactics again: He spent his presidential morning on the White House toilet tweeting his thoughts about an African-American father who doesn’t fuck with him.


Look at that “IT WAS ME!” in all caps. Looks like the president is really butt-hurt over this whole thing. President Sebastian von FuckFace believes that he is the reason LaVar Ball’s son LiAngelo and two other UCLA basketball players were released from a Chinese prison after a reported shoplifting spree, and he wants the boy’s father, LaVar Ball, to thank him. At this point the president is a thirsty thot who’s posting half-naked pics on Instagram for the likes and comments, and I really wish he’d stop.

This is the only time—and I know I’m going to resent having this in print—that I wish Trump’s father, Steve Bannon, were still in the White House because he is the only one who I think could have the talk with Trump. You know, the talk most of us got around third grade when someone who we thought was our friend didn’t invite us to their birthday party. The talk that reminds us that not everyone is going to do what we want them to do. The talk that explains that people aren’t robots and that as such, they have human thoughts and brains and stuff. The talk that says that some people don’t fuck with you no matter who you are.

I had to have the conversation with my mother about a month ago when she held the door for a white woman who didn’t say thank you. My mother was pissed. I mean, her little light-skinned face was red with fury. I explained to my mom that she was holding the door because that’s who she is as a person, and if she’s only holding the door for the “thank you,” then stop holding the door for people because she’s going to be let down. Not everyone is going to be who you want them to be, so control you. It didn’t work. She still got in the car and cursed the woman back to baby status.


My mother is a lot like Trump: mean, unyielding, old and evil acting, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t do nice things from time to time—and when she does, you better say thank you or all hell is going to break loose. So glad that my mother doesn’t have a Twitter account.

President SlaveOwner von WhipHands wants desperately to be loved. He wants so badly to be appreciated and nurtured, and it makes me wonder how he became this way. LaVar Ball doesn’t like him, and I don’t know what it is going to take to get the president to realize this. Ball knows exactly what he’s doing and he’s loving it. Name one other dad whose sons play professional and/or collegiate sports ... exactly.


Did LaVar Ball just ruin it for the rest of us blacks? Maybe. Because you know President NeNe von HouseWives is going to punish the rest of us for Ball’s actions. The demagogue in office will continue to appease his racist voters, and we already know that his presidential style is to keep picking the petty fights that he believes he can win instead of, oh, I don’t know, creating and pushing through Congress a health care bill that actually makes sense. David Cassidy just died, and has Trump said anything about this? White people loved David Cassidy!

After the president’s two-week silence and eventual support of Alabama Senate candidate and accused pedophile Roy Moore, it’s clear the president lacks any substantive thought on actual issues. This is the WWE presidency that we just have to bear with until he’s voted out or impeached. But until then, Big Baller LaVar Ball makes a perfect foil, so sit back and enjoy the ride.


Thotline Bling: black girl supremacy

I genuinely can’t stand LaVar Ball, but even I’m annoyed by Tangelo Toddler’s white tears at this point. Log the fuck off and get out of your feelings! How ridiculous is it for the “president” to be tweeting about shit this petty?

And the other day somebody had the audacity to say that WE make the country look bad by criticizing him publicly?! Tuh!