President Petty Goes Back to Reality Show Roots and Threatens to Release Receipts on Democrats

Illustration for article titled President Petty Goes Back to Reality Show Roots and Threatens to Release Receipts on Democrats
Photo: Win McNamee (Getty Images)

The president of the United States is threatening to do all kinds of unpresidential shit because he’s the president of the goddamn United States!

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In an interview with the New York Post, the president of the fucking United States of America just said that if House Democrats use their power to demand to see how many times he visited the Robert Kelly suite at the Russian bathhouse, which he’s calling “presidential harassment,” then he’s going to go nuclear and start releasing all kinds of shit.

“If they go down the presidential harassment track, if they want go and harass the president and the administration, I think that would be the best thing that would happen to me. I’m a counter-puncher and I will hit them so hard they’d never been hit like that,” he said during a 36-minute Oval Office sitdown, the New York Post reports.

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Meanwhile House Democrats are all collectively wondering what the hell he could be talking about. None of them have a Russian Best Buy account, and they barely buy anything off of Russian eBay.

The Post notes that “The commander-in-chief said he could declassify FISA warrant applications and other documents from Robert Mueller’s probe—and predicted the disclosure would expose the FBI, the Justice Department and the Clinton campaign as being in cahoots to set him up.”

“I think that would help my campaign,” Trump said. “If they want to play tough, I will do it. They will see how devastating those pages are.”

Because the president of the United States still believes that he’s on a goddamn reality show, he told The Post he wanted to save the documents until they were needed, because....ratings.

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“It’s much more powerful if I do it then,” said Trump, “because if we had done it already, it would already be yesterday’s news.”

This is also the president of the FUCKING United States! This is same guy that demanded former President Barack Obama show everyone his birth certificate because he was really a Muslim plant put in office to balance the budget and bring cheer and Anita Baker to the White House.

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Trump knows that once the Dems take over the House, they are going to be hitting his ass faster that Stormy Daniels did with that rolled-up Forbes magazine, as they are going to want to see in his tax returns exactly how many times he ordered from RussianSexWorkerUrine.com.

Chances are, the president is doing what he does most, which is overplaying his hand and lying about shit he doesn’t have. I don’t believe there’s a smoking gun, and trust me: If there were, do you really believe that this petty-ass president wouldn’t have already released it?

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But Trump claimed Wednesday that his lawyer Emmet Flood thought it would be better politically to wait.

“He didn’t want me to do it yet, because I can save it,” Trump said.

I don’t know if I want to see California senator Maxine Waters’ high school transcripts, but it could be fun.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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DISCUSSION

Do it Heifer! Release everything. And we’ll FOIA every document your little Rethuglican cohorts (who know you fucking suck, but are waiting for a payout) make. Don’t we have Paul Ryan on tape laughing about how Trump is on the Putin Payroll? https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/paul-ryan-keeps-it-family-kevin-mccarthy-russia-trump

The FBI, CIA, CDC, PTA, Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. thinking you are an unqualified, unpresidential, daughter-fucking-assclown does not a conspiracy make. In fact, it’s pretty much the baseline reaction people with any damned sense have to you.  

I hope they make the Benghazi hearings (Trey Gowdy, please go sit on some tacks) and ...pretty much all conservative commentary during the Obama Presidency look like a day at Disneyland.  I hope your old senile ass gets day long hearings.  Because I know you can’t keep your story straight for more than ten minutes, are weak, sad and low energy.