Illustration for article titled President Draft Dodger Calls Himself ‘Wartime President’ Because He’s Really Into Role Play
Photo: Brendan Smialowski (Getty Images)

The president of the United States—the same man who avoided war by claiming bone spurs and who has never served a day in his life, yet harassed one of the most decorated and beloved senators who was captured and tortured during his time in Vietnam—is now referring to himself as a wartime president.

President Trump is the white guy who comes onto a pickup basketball court in a full Lakers uniform and runs wind sprints to loosen up his hammies before introducing himself as “Handles.” He’s the guy in the restaurant who waits for someone to order the roast pork loin so he can yell out, “that’s my old dance name!” He’s the guy who wants to be something more than what he is, because even he knows who he is is a lie and he’s ashamed of that. His whole life is a lie and he fires anyone who doesn’t agree with the lie. He’s the kid who, when playing football with his football, has to score at least three times a game and everyone lets him score because they know if not, he’s going to take his ball and go home.

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So now, in the time of coronavirus, the president is referring to himself as a “wartime president.” He said it Wednesday, right before he invoked the rarely used Defense Production Act, which allows the government to use private companies to make masks, ventilators and other much-needed medical supplies.

And because the president is a full-on bitch whose only true concern is the stock market, he took to Twitter to claim that he “only signed the Defense Production Act to combat the Chinese Virus should we need to invoke it in a worst-case scenario in the future,” the Associated Press reports.

“Hopefully there will be no need,” he added, “but we are all in this TOGETHER!”

And, yes, this bitch keeps calling it the “Chinese virus” because he doesn’t care about non-white people. He doesn’t care that the term isn’t just racist, it’s dangerous. He doesn’t care that there are two names that could easily be used to describe the pandemic (coronavirus or COVID-19, the disease caused by the virus). Nope, he’s a namer, this guy—and he’s also a racist—so, of course, he’s going to go with the most volatile and disgusting name he can use because he’s trash.

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We know this. They know this.

And during a time of uncertainty, which demands a steady hand and a component leader who can lace his shoes by himself, we’ve got a perpetual fuckboi who is trolling people online.

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During the same press conference in which Trump labeled himself a “wartime president,” he also did something remarkable, something extraordinary, something we’ve never seen before from him in his life: he told the truth.

When asked why celebrities and sports figures seem to be getting tested at will without showing signs of the virus, while regular citizens don’t have the same access, the president responded: “Perhaps that’s the story of life.”

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And he’s right. The president has been rich all his life. He’s never had to work for anything, including his fortune. So he’s right, being rich affords you access to things like early coronavirus testing and an immigrant former model wife who didn’t have to actually apply the legit way to become a citizen. Everyone who has ever played pickup football with the kid who brings the ball knows one thing that Trump embodies: “He who has the football makes the rules.” And if that means he wants to refer to himself as a wartime president or claim he’s a billionaire or that he’s his own press person named John Barron, then, in order to keep playing, everyone around him has to act like it’s true.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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