A brief list of the whitest things I’ve ever seen:
- An obviously drunk white woman with “Roll Tide” painted on the sagging buttocks area of a pair of ill-fitting Daisy Dukes doing the “funky worm” on the floor during a traditional Indian wedding reception while the “Electric Slide” was playing.
- A polar bear/Steve King (tie)
- This acoustic rendition of “I Got Five On It”
- Fox News’ Primetime lineup.
And today, I was compelled to add another thing to my ever-evolving list when CNBC reported that Chef’s Banquet sells a 27-pound bucket of macaroni and cheese that lasts for 20 years on the internet.
Stop it, white people. Right now.
Now before you jump down my throat for disparaging all Caucasians, just take a look at the picture. It’s so white they staged the photo in a white kitchen with white utensils in a white bowl. You know white people are behind this because, first of all, who puts a sprig of parsley on macaroni?
That was a rhetorical question because we know who did this. Only the Caucasian mind is forward-thinking and free enough to ponder their macaroni needs two decades into the future. If you told even the most imaginative negro lover of macaroni that you were going to serve their favorite cheesy pasta dish next week, they couldn’t possibly start giving a damn until Thursday evening at the latest.
But white people love planning for the future. That’s why they agonize over their 401(k), long for jetpacks and invest money in sex robot-related technology. You gotta give it to them, they’re always thinking ahead. Make no mistake about it, this falls under the category of White People Shit.
Plus, no real black person would be caught dead purchasing bucketed macaroni anyway, because they don’t know who made it. Every black person knows that they can’t just fuck with anybody’s macaroni. You have to develop an interpersonal relationship with your macaroni-maker, only consuming it after a kitchen inspection and two follow-up interviews. I’d let the guy who does brakes at Pep Boys give me an ungloved prostate exam before I stuck some random internet macaroni in my mouth. My mama didn’t raise me like that. To quote the biblical scripture Maccheesians: 3:17: “Some people nasty.”
Once, at a food truck that sells BBQ, I whispered softly to the black woman at the window: “So... umm... about the macaroni?”
Immediately sensing my trepidation, she responded to the implied question she knew I was trying to ask.
“White people made it,” she replied a little too loudly.
If Thanos would have told Tony Stark and Thor that this was going to happen, I feel like they wouldn’t have minded disintegrating into Avenger flakes. Some people need to die. The Avengers of color might have even banded together and helped Thanos gather the Infinity Stones.
In fact, I think that the villain in the Black Panther sequel should be a character named White Devil, who tries to breach the borders of Wakanda by firing buckets of astronaut macaroni at the invisible shield. The Dora Milaje wouldn’t be able to protect Wakanda because they’d be throwing up in their mouths.
And if you think I’m overreacting, there’s one thing you should know:
This Cracka-roni is sold out online at Costco.
That’s right. Even worse, there are actual reviews for this bullshit.
“We bought this for our grandson,” wrote MimiO on Costco’s website. “He was here the day it arrived. We opened it and made it. Very pleasantly surprised. I have made it a couple of different ways. You can’t mess it up. Have purchased it again, and will continue to use it.”
Someone call the police. These people obviously hate their grandchild and we must protect this kid before these people do something worse to him like... Ok, there’s really nothing worse you can do to a child than serve them gelatinous noodles from a plastic tub. If you don’t want to call the cops, at least we can set up a GoFundMe because this child is going to need therapy in the near future. This is how school shooters are created.
My children’s grandmother would never! She’d climb down from heaven and disown me if she found out someone had served her grandchildren dump truck Mac and Cheese. To be fair, she’s not even dead yet, but I wouldn’t even ask her because I know that the question would kill her and then I’d have to spend a lot of money on casket-lining because I’d want her to be comfortable after she rolled over in her grave.
Besides lying in his username, HealthTechSavvy, a verified purchaser of the product wrote: “Honestly, I was expecting something that tasted horrible. I was surprised to find out that it was very good. But, don’t pack the cheese sauce powder.”
This worries me. You can talk that bullshit about global warming and the ozone layer all you want, but this is the stuff we need to be focused on. How can any one of us feel safe knowing that we could walk into the break room at work and have Rebecca offer us some bulk elbow pasta and freeze-dried cheddar? I’m petitioning Black Legislative American Cookout Council (BLACC) to issue a warning about this to make sure it doesn’t show up during the upcoming cookout season. One can never be too careful.
While I’m waiting for an answer I’m going to pray to the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Not Black Jesus, but the blue-eyed white messiah — his people did this), the ancestors, Thanos, Iron Man, the Iron Chef, Chef Boyardee and the Backyardigans (I don’t know why I included them. I just feel like they’d understand) that someone stops this madness.
This is how the purge started.
This is why we can’t have nice things.
This macaroni was going to buy NBC and still listens to R. Kelly.
If Martin Luther King, Jr. would have dreamed about this, he would have jumped off the mountaintop.
When the apostle John spoke of the Seventh Seal in the book of Revelation, he was talking about this macaroni when he wrote:
And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with a 27-bound bucket of macaroni.
After saying all of this, if you really want to buy it, a bucket of what’s really wrong with this generation is available on Amazon for $149.99.
And go to hell.
May the grace of the Lord be with you all, Amen