Papa John Needs to Go Sit His Ass Down: Still Wants to Shill for Pizza Company Despite Dropping the N-Word

Papa John just won’t go wash the pizza grease off his face, remove his foot from his mouth and sit his ass down somewhere. John Schnatter, the founder of Papa John’s cardboard-ass pizza that tastes like a wagon wheel covered in ketchup with toppings, still believes that he can come back from dropping “nigger” in a board meeting.

The official pizza of the alt-whites and people who still believe in the luxury of above-ground swimming pools has worked hard to remove his face as the mascot of the pizza company, but Schnatter says, wayment. Schnatter still believes that if he just explains himself to the people, he can still be a viable asset to the undead and Skellyanne Conway’s most favorite pizza.

“My persona resonates with the consumer because it’s authentic, it’s genuine and it’s the truth,” Schnatter said in a phone interview with the Associated Press late Wednesday.

For those of you that don’t care about anything that Papa John has ever done, let me give you a refresher course. Besides allowing the top of his head to softly hold Peyton Manning’s balls, he also blamed sagging pizza sales on the NFL’s handling of black player protests. Then, Papa John dropped “nigger” in a media training conference call in May, which he blamed on someone else. He resigned as chairman and then he came back and apologized and noted that “nigger” was taken out of context. He now claims that he resigned hastily and wants back into the company that boasts the favorite pizza of people who pick their teeth with straws.

It might be time for Papa John to kick his feet up on his recliner and relax back into “no one gives a fuck about your apology or your shitty-ass pizza” town and take comfort in knowing that this part of his life, the shilling of pizza that tastes like car exhaust, is over.