President Fitz Grant (Tony Goldwyn), Jake Ballard (Scott Foley) and Olivia Pope (Kerry Washington) in Scandal
ABC

Lose weight, stop drinking (so much) and recycle! That’s right. It’s time for New Year’s resolutions, and if anyone needs to make a commitment to self-improvement in 2015, it’s everyone in Olivia Pope’s crew. Pledging not to kill, kidnap and/or torture people are obvious choices, but here are a few additional New Year’s resolutions for Olivia and her friends to consider in 2015: 

Olivia Pope should make some real friends. After ping-ponging between Fitz and Jake for over a season now, I’ve come to the conclusion that Olivia must not have any real friends. And by “real friends,” I don't mean her gladiators because they have stated time and again that they will follow her over a cliff, even if that has meant remaining silent as she drowns in despair and her own bad decision-making. Olivia needs some “tell-it-like-it-is-that-dress-is-too-tight-and-he-ain’t-no-good” girlfriends.

Can you picture a scene where Liv and her girlfriends are having bottomless mimosas at brunch on a sidewalk cafe, when her best girlfriend has had just about enough: “Gurl, Fitz is still selling dreams of babies and jam? Eye. Period. Roll. I can’t with you. What’s it been … four years? Five years?!?! You know he’s never going to leave his wife. Aren’t you tired of being tired?”

Olivia needs to join a Meetup group, a grad chapter, an Aqua Zumba class, a fantasy football league … something in search of some real friends who will figuratively snatch her up by the elbow when she acts a fool.  

Papa Pope should get a life. Papa Pope also doesn’t have any friends—only B613 lackeys. His obsession with Mama Pope is unrequited. Oh, and remember that one time when his only child tried to kill him? No one appreciates you, Rowan/Eli. In fact, almost everyone wants you dead. Move away. Change your name to Nico. Open a Tiki bar in Costa Rica. Start over.

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Jake should consider other ways to make a difference. B613 took his life, and now Jake has dedicated his days to exposing B613. In the process, he’s been imprisoned, tortured and shot at. Is it really worth it? In lieu of standing in the sun, maybe Jake should consider doing community service instead. Wouldn't Jake make a good Big Brother? 

Fitz should lay out a proactive policy agenda. Fitz suffocated a Supreme Court justice, his father raped his wife and his son was killed. The presidency (and the road to it) has taken a real toll on Fitz and his family. In his final term, he needs to go big to make it all even remotely worthwhile. Lower student loan rates. Pass immigration reform. Revamp the criminal-justice system.

Mellie should create an exit plan. Mellie has made clear that she has endured all that she has because, as she once explained, “I like it when my husband is president.” But, do you really, Mellie? I mean, I’m sure you did at some point, but now you spend your days picking China patterns, day-drinking in your bathrobe for weeks at a time and sharing both your husband and your boy toy with other women. Are you really living your best life? Mellie is bright, ambitious and enterprising. She should reimagine a life in which her skills and strengths are utilized and appreciated, and put together an exit plan with non-Fitz-related goals. It’s time to lay your burdens down and do you, Mellie.

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Andrew Nichols should stay in his lane. He’s not a match for the men—Papa Pope, Jake and Fitz—who are about to come for his neck since he has kidnapped Olivia. Apologize. Return her. Run. 

Cyrus should spend more time with his daughter. Seriously, who is raising his child? Does she even know him? I bet she calls him “Cyrus.”

Michael (Cyrus’ fiance) should fake his own death. That’s not really a New Year’s resolution as much as it is a word of advice. Cyrus considered James the love of his life, yet he put out a hit on him and prostituted him out to frame Sally Langston’s husband. Michael doesn’t stand a chance.

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Quinn should seek out healthy sexual relationships. Quinn could stand to look in the mirror every morning, make eye contact with herself, and say, “I am somebody.” We’ve all heard that good men are hard to find, but surely Quinn doesn’t need to settle for men (Charlie and Huck) who torture, beat her up, and/or threaten to kill her right before sex.

Huck … actually, I have a feeling that this might be Huck’s year. If the B613 files he delivered to his ex are effective, he might have a real shot at officially being a part of his son’s life.

Abby should insist that her colleagues call her Abby … I mean … right?

Alas, no one keeps New Year’s resolutions, and what fun would Scandal be if Olivia and her crew had their stuff together?

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Akilah Green is a recovering Washington, D.C., lawyer-lobbyist-politico turned TV and film writer and producer living in Los Angeles. She currently works for Chelsea Handler’s Netflix talk show, Chelsea. She has also worked as a staff writer for Kevin Hart’s production company, HartBeat Productions, and as a consultant for Real Time With Bill Maher on HBO. In addition, she co-wrote and is producing Scratch, an indie horror-comedy feature film, and is a regular contributor to The Root. Follow Green’s adventures in La La Land on her blog, Twitter and Facebook.