Missouri Sen. Josh Hawley Said Systemic Racism is Fake and America 'Liberated Slaves'. I Translated His White Fragility Speech for You

Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) addresses the Conservative Political Action Conference being held in the Hyatt Regency on February 26, 2021 in Orlando, Florida. Begun in 1974, CPAC brings together conservative organizations, activists, and world leaders to discuss issues important to them.
Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) addresses the Conservative Political Action Conference being held in the Hyatt Regency on February 26, 2021 in Orlando, Florida. Begun in 1974, CPAC brings together conservative organizations, activists, and world leaders to discuss issues important to them.
Photo: Joe Raedle (Getty Images)

So, Missouri Sen. Josh Hawley is out here pretending that he’s not the Meg Griffin of the Republican party again. On Friday, the clout-chaser-in-lying-about-antifa-attacks delivered a speech during Republican PornHub Live, aka the American Conservative Union’s annual CPAC conference in Orlando, Fla. Hawley gave a rousing speech about the future of the Republican party and its journey to adapt to a society that is growing increasingly progressive.

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Nah, I’m bullshittin’—Sir Tighty of House Whitey took his fragile white ass on stage and bitched about the systemic racism reality narrative and declared America to be the land that “liberated slaves.”

“We heard that we are systemically racist,” Hawley said, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reports. “You heard that once or twice? We heard that the real founding of the country wasn’t in 1776, it was in 1619 or whatever. We heard that America is founded in lies and evil. That’s what we’ve been told. All of that is false. All of that is a lie.

“Part of standing up to the oligarchs in tech and in the media and in the liberals is reclaiming our history and saying it is good and we are proud to be Americans,” right-wing Charlie Brown continued. “We’re proud to have lived in a country that started with nothing and became the greatest country in the face of the earth. We’re proud to be in a country that liberated slaves.”

Since many of The Root’s readers don’t speak fluent caucasity—and because Hawley is speaking in an especially broken dialect due to the degree of his fragility—I’ve taken the liberty of translating the 41-year-old senator’s white nonsense:

“We heard that we are systemically racist. You heard that once or twice over the last 400 years?

Everyone except our snowflakey, hueless asses knows that Nikole Hannah-Jones’ Pulitzer-Prize winning collection The 1619 Project doesn’t state literally that America was founded in 1619 rather than 1776, and that it actually offers a look at American History from a Black perspective that begins the story of America at the date when the first enslaved Africans were brought here. But who TF do these negroes think they are centering themselves in our historical narrative built exclusively around Caucasian propaganda anyway?

The demonstrable truth is what we’ve been toldAll of that truth is false. All of that truth backed up by volumes of academic research is a lie.

Part of pretending that we don’t represent America’s oligarchy—and that it’s actually techies, media and liberals who are oppressing the marginalizedis reclaiming the white lies we call our history and saying it is good and we are proud to be white nationalists. We’re proud to have lived in a country that fought for independence for white people who were still like, “Nah, but you’re still a slave, my nigger,” and became the greatest country for white supremacists on the face of the earth. We’re proud to be in a country that liberated the slaves that we enslaved in the first place after they spent roughly 250 years building America at gunpoint. We also made sure they were legally reduced to second-class citizens for another 100 years, but whatever.

By the way, that part about “white nationalists” wasn’t far off.

From the Post-Dispatch:

The speech covered many themes from Hawley’s previous CPAC appearances — including his call to break up tech corporations. But it addressed other themes, including border security, the issue that catapulted former President Donald Trump to the White House five years ago.

All of these ideas were presented as elements of a “new nationalism,” which Hawley argued would protect the concept of citizenship and prevent “oligarchy,” a term for rule by a powerful few, from taking root in the nation.

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“New nationalism” coming from the Grand White Party only means one thing, after all.

Zack Linly is a poet, performer, freelance writer, blogger and grown man lover of cartoons

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CPAC. “No really, we are Nazis.”