The former first lady took a break from exfoliating, drinking water from the Nigerian Alps and frolicking in a garden covered in angel feathers to make a final pitch to the American people–to whom she owes nothing—to “vote for Joe Biden like your lives depend on it.”
In a recently released and highly critical 24-minute video criticizing the boil on America’s collective ass, Donald Trump, Obama called him “not up to the job” and a “crusty old bitch.”
Wait, I read that last part wrong; she actually said that the Trump presidency was accompanied by “a constant drumbeat of fear, division and chaos that’s threatening to spiral out of control,” the Guardian reports. I think you can easily see how I made that mistake.
The former first lady who could beat any other first lady in a foot race because she’s fit AF added: “In the greatest crisis of our lifetimes, he doubled-down on division and resentment, railed against measures that could have mitigated the damage.”
“Seven months later, he still doesn’t have a plan for this virus. Seven months later, he still won’t wear a mask consistently and encourage others to do the same,” Mrs. Obama pointed out. “Instead, he continues to gaslight the American people by acting like this pandemic is not a real threat.”
She also added that the president was a racist pile of dog vomit who won’t stop masturbating the South by “stoking fears about Black and brown Americans” in order to “distract from his breathtaking failures by giving folks someone to blame other than them.”
Wait, I added the racist dog vomit part but I feel like she really wanted to say that.
She noted that Trump’s attempts to rile up the racists are “morally wrong, and yes, it is racist. But that doesn’t mean it won’t work.”
And she’s right: Trump is riding on the front car of the racism train and you know what’s working for him? Racism.
And because his followers are both racist, blind to flyness, racist and trash-ass human beings, they took to Twitter to get “Big Mike” trending because when your eyes are blinded by fear and hatred, and you feel intimidated by a woman and can’t make it make sense in your misogynistic mind, you believe that one of the most stunning women in American history is a man.
Sorry for you and all the Tomi Lahrens you are forced to embrace.
From the Guardian:
“I want everyone who is still undecided to think about all those folks like me and my ancestors. The millions of folks who look like me and fought and died and toiled as slaves and soldiers and laborers to help build this country. Racism, fear, division, these are powerful weapons. And they can destroy this nation if we don’t deal with them head on.”
“As a Black woman who has – like the overwhelming majority of people of colour in this nation – done everything in my power to live a life of dignity, and service, and honesty, the knowledge that any of my fellow Americans is more afraid of me than the chaos we are living through right now, well, that hurts.”
“Imagine how it feels to wake up every day and do your very best to uphold the values that this country claims to holds dear – truth, honour, decency – only to have those efforts met by scorn, not just by your fellow citizens, but by a sitting president.”
“Imagine how it feels to have a suspicion cast on you from the day you were born, simply because of the hue of your skin. To walk around your own country scared that someone’s unjustified fear of you could put you in harm’s way,” whether that was, she said, “a racial slur from a passing car … a routine traffic stop ‘gone wrong’ … maybe a knee to the neck.”
The former first lady, who would outdress any of the other former first ladies because slay, noted that a president’s policies were a direct reflection of their values.
“After seeing the presidency up close for eight years, maybe the most important thing I’ve learned about the job is that how a president focuses their time and energy in office is a direct reflection of the life they’ve lived before entering the White House. A president’s policies are a direct reflection of their values, and we’re seeing that truth on display with our current president, who has devoted his life to enriching himself.”
She added that if any of the shit that you’ve seen thus far from Trump’s administration makes want to stab your eyeballs out with plastic forks then Biden—a man she said was “guided by values and principles that mirror ones that most Americans can recognize,” “a leader who has the character and the experience to put an end to this chaos” and a “good man who understands the struggles of everyday folks,” might be a good alternative.
“To all the young people out there, to all the Black and brown folks, to anyone who feels frustrated and alienated by this whole system, I get it. I really do.”
And then she urged America not to waste their vote on the Black Kardashian man—not the one with the bald head, the other one. The one who makes hip-hop beats and prison shower shoes but to vote for Kamala Harris, I mean Joe Biden, because, “If you think things cannot possibly get worse, trust me, they can; and they will if we don’t make a change in this election. Search your hearts, and your conscience, and then vote for Joe Biden like your lives depend on it.”
Because they do.