The president of people who buy gas-station hot dogs has awakened from his slumber, taken his morning bath in a mixture of antifreeze and peach Faygo, and started his daily tweeting regimen by explaining how he shouldn’t be held responsible for Michael Cohen’s illegal acts just because he may have told Cohen to break the law.
Early Thursday morning, President Moves-His-Lips-When-He-Reads fired off a series of tweets using the precarious legal premise of “How was I supposed to know?” Trump admitted that Cohen not only committed illegal acts but also acknowledged that the bumbling bagman may have done so at the request of the president of people who make crystal meth in bathtubs.
However, the graduate of the Wharton School of Business, Heating and Air Conditioner Repair, explained that his former lawyer shouldn’t have performed the illegal acts because ... after all, they were illegal!
On Wednesday, Cohen, Trump’s former fixer, was sentenced to three years in prison for pleading guilty to five counts of tax fraud, one count of making false statements to a bank, and two campaign finance violations. The violations were tied to payments Cohen made to silence Trump’s alleged paramours during the 2016 presidential campaign.
Shortly thereafter, prosecutors announced that American Media Inc., which owns the National Enquirer, had admitted that it paid former Playboy Playmate Karen McDougal $150,000 to keep her quiet about her tryst with Trump, the Washington Post reports.
It’s difficult to understand Trump’s logic. On one hand, he says that Cohen should have known what he was doing was illegal, which is like saying, “Sure, I suggested Cohen kill someone, but as a hitman, he should have known the laws against murder.”
But in the next sentence, Trump argues that Cohen was “probably not guilty” and that some of the charges “were not criminal,” which totally explains why Trump believes he didn’t direct Cohen to break the law ... Apparently, Trump believes it’s not illegal if you don’t think it’s illegal.
Also, here is a photograph of the prominent legal scholar who came up with this theory:
I think I’m going to use this defense the next time I’m stopped for speeding.
So no, I never directed my car to break the law. My car should know the speed limit. After all, it has a “SPEED”-ometer. And many race car drivers would say I wasn’t going that fast—even if speed limits apply to me— because I was on cruise control, and therefore I was not driving.
I’m sure that will work.