Kevin Durant Returns From 23-Game Absence Just to Remind Everyone the NBA Finals Are Over Before They Even Begin

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Kevin Durant, who was last seen getting fined $50,000 for calling some attention-starved white boy a “pale pasty cum guzzling bitch,” made his triumphant return to the court last night. Did you hear?


After missing the last 23 games with the left hamstring strain from hell, KD came off the bench in the second quarter on Wednesday night and proceeded to do what he does best: shit down his opponents’ throats.

With his mother in attendance, we were treated to a master class in efficiency, as the two-time NBA champ went five-for-five from the floor and put up 17 points, seven boards, and five assists in only 19 minutes of play. I believe the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines this as either “superhuman” or “completely unfair.”


“I expected to come out here and play the way I played,” Durant told reporters after the game. “I wasn’t trying to ease into the game. I just wanted to go out there and dive right into the action. The game was fast-paced already, so watching it from the bench I knew exactly how I needed to approach it. But it was pretty cool coming off the bench, I can’t lie. It was also good to play in front of the fans as well.”

As if being flanked by superstars James Harden (who missed last night’s game with his own hamstring troubles) and Kyrie Irving wasn’t enough, KD returns to a Brooklyn squad that’s far more formidable than before. During his absence, the Nets stacked the deck by adding former All-Stars Blake Griffin and LaMarcus Aldridge from the buyout market, giving the team one of the most insanely loaded rosters in the history of the league. And if last night is any indication, the rest of the league doesn’t stand a chance in hell once the playoffs arrive.


The Nets atomized the New Orleans Pelicans 139-111 and had 79 points at the half. Probably because Kyrie dropped 24 of those, 35-year-old Alridge chipped in 22 of his own, and Griffin was kind enough to generously donate 10 more for the culture. Did I mention that Durant only played 19 minutes and Harden didn’t even play last night?

For those keeping track at home, that means the NBA Finals are over before they even begin.


“I think everyone’s excited to see [Durant],” Nets head coach Steve Nash said. “Everyone knows what a big piece of our team he is, and he’s one of the all-time greats. So I think for our guys to see him out there was definitely exciting and gave them a boost. I think we’ve had a lot of that this year, guys in and out, so it was nice to have him back.”


He also loved how the team’s new offense looked with KD back on the floor.

“It’s not hard to play basketball with Kevin Durant,” Nash said. “So I think he’s going to make guys better. He demands a lot of attention and creates a lot of space on the floor. He’s a shot-maker, but he creates a lot for his teammates as well whether it’s through passing or just his presence.”


LeBron and them are fucked.


Welcome back, Durant. Can’t wait to watch you obliterate man, woman, and child in the finals.



I hope they win it because Durant and Harden are two of my favorite players of this generation, but I’d like to see Brooklyn’s ranking in defensive efficiency to get out of the bottom quarter of the league before I declare them the favorites of anything. I think Milwaukee is still the favorite in the East for now, much better offense/defense balance, and decentralizing their offense from being all Giannis, all the time has really benefitted them.