Trump’s ‘Opioid Czar’ Kellyanne Conway Has Found the Solution to the Opioid Crisis: Ice Cream!

Illustration for article titled Trump’s ‘Opioid Czar’ Kellyanne Conway Has Found the Solution to the Opioid Crisis: Ice Cream!
Photo: Mark Wilson (Getty Images)

The reanimated skeletal remains of Kellyanne Conway were seen at the White House.


Stephen, Kellyanne Conway didn’t die.

But I clearly saw a skeleton speaking, which is what this story was going to be about.

That was Kellyanne Conway.


The broom with the 1980s weightlifter wig IS Kellyanne Conway ...

Kellyanne Conway, aka Skellyanne, is the president’s opioid czar, and besides being marginally gifted at nothing and a white woman, her credentials for being a drug czar don’t exist. While swaths of the American population are suffering from an opioid crisis, Skellyanne, the big-time drug czar, proved just daft she is at tackling the issue.

On Thursday, while addressing millennials during a White House-sponsored forum titled “Generation Next,” Skellyanne offered some advice to those struggling with opioid addiction.

“On our college campuses, you folks are reading the labels,” she said, HuffPost reports. “They won’t put any sugar in their body, they won’t eat carbs anymore, and they’re very, very fastidious about what goes into their body. And then you buy a street drug for five or 10 dollars, it’s laced with fentanyl and that’s it.”


Her advice: “Eat the ice cream, have the french fry, don’t buy the street drug. Believe me, it all works out.”

What the fuck is Skellyanne talking about?

Seriously, what is she saying?

I’m not being funny here; I really don’t know what she’s talking about. It’s as if Skellyanne’s only entree into a conversation about a drug crisis is through her own limited scope of struggle, which, it sounds like, is a daily battle between eating the ice cream and having a french fry. I’m guessing here because I don’t know what ice cream and french fries have to do with a drug so powerful that there are videos showing people under the influence passed out behind the wheel or crawling along busy streets. Not to mention those who are willing to risk death because their addiction is so strong and powerful that they truly believe they can’t stop.


Does the Trump administration care about stopping the crisis? Yes and no, but mostly no. I do believe that the administration would like to put an end to opioid addiction, but as with most things concerning this administration, it doesn’t know what the fuck it’s doing. Any person with a decently functioning brain listening to Skellyanne for five minutes would know that her strong suit is not being the drug czar.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that Skellyanne appears to have adopted her boss’s approach by refusing to learn what she doesn’t know. According to a Newsweek report, since taking over the position, Skellyanne, whose area of expertise—I use this term lightly—is in politics, not public health, has shunned drug-policy experts who actually know about this stuff.


So now we have the actual policy that Trump laid out, courtesy of his drug czar. It consists of a wall, a Just Say No campaign and death to the dealers.

First of all, the wall has been the dumbest idea since its first mention. Has no one in the White House watched Game of Thrones? Do they really think a wall is going to keep out the white brown walkers? Also, black America already experienced a Just Say No campaign during the Reagan administration, and we’ve all seen how that turned out.


And calling for the death penalty for drug dealers is really just a race-based switch because Trump truly believes that all of the dealers are people of color—people whom Trump has no problem killing. He’s going to be shocked to learn that blacks and browns don’t hustle prescription drugs, which make up a good majority of the opioid crisis. But he’d know that if he had a capable drug czar with a background in addiction and public health. Instead, because Trump staffed his administration with people he likes and who continue to tell him he’s doing a great job, those suffering from addiction will continue to suffer—unless, of course, they just stop doing drugs and eat the ice cream and fries instead.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.


The sum total of her qualifications for the job is literally “looks like she smokes meth.”