Jeff ‘King Keebler’ Sessions Wants to Get Tough on Leaks Now That the President Hates Him

Win McNamee/Getty Images
Win McNamee/Getty Images

Attorney General Jeff “King Keebler” Sessions announced Friday that he’s going to assist in the this Milli Vanilli-ass administration’s attempts to stop leaks from the Justice Department and intelligence community to the media.


“I have this message for our friends in the intelligence community. The Department of Justice is open for business and I have, this morning, this warning: Don’t do it,” Sessions said, HuffPost reports. “For the past several months, we have made changes and are seriously ramping up our efforts.”

Sessions also added that the Justice Department is reviewing a policy on media subpoenas—which sounds about right under this draconian-ass administration.

“We respect the important role the press plays and will give them respect, but they cannot place lives at risk with impunity,” he said. “We must balance their role with protecting our national security and the lives of those who serve in the intelligence community, the armed forces and all law-abiding Americans.

“This nation must end this culture of leaks,” he went on. “We will investigate and seek to bring criminals to justice. We will not allow rogue anonymous sources with security clearances to sell out our country.”

I get it: King Keebler is trying to do everything to get back in President Shitty Von Douche Face’s good graces. Since the leaks began, Von Douche Face has been adamant about stopping them, and basically, the leaks are proving that he’s a liar who doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing.

“I want the attorney general to be much tougher,” Donald Trump said last week, according to HuffPost. “I want the leaks from intelligence agencies, which are leaking like rarely have they ever leaked before, at a very important level. These are intelligence agencies; we cannot have that happen.”


However, Bruce Brown, the executive director of the Reporters Committee, expressed concerns.

“The attorney general’s intent to revisit the [Justice Department press subpoena] guidelines is deeply troubling as is the frame he put around it today—that reporters are putting lives at risk,” Brown said in a statement. “Journalists and news organizations have a long history of handling this information in a responsible way, working with government officials to evaluate potential harms, and taking steps to mitigate any damage when there is an overwhelming public interest in revealing it.”


Let’s hope that King Keebler can find some other business, like baking cookies in the goddamn tree, and stop worrying himself about the good leakers who are trying to keep America safe.

Read more at HuffPost.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.


Hoyo Afrika

I have learned, from living in white societies since I was five, that whenever they (especially those on the Right) criticize something, they are usually projecting. Between 2009-2017, the Right in America complained about impending governmental takeover of their lives (Jade Helm, FEMA trains, white genocide, etc.). Now that this little troll is beginning to make that nightmare, government intrusion into the “bastions” of freedom, a reality, crickets. Where is their love of “freedom”? The reality is that they hate freedom.