Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin
Photo: BPA (Getty Images)

Because the news cycle never stops with the Trump administration, former FBI Director James Comey’s memos detailing conversations he had with the president were handed over to Congress on Thursday. As news sites are still combing through Comey’s notes, the most damning and arguably believable news to hit the interwebs is that Comey wrote that Donald Trump claimed that Russian President Vladimir Putin once bragged that Russia had “some of the most beautiful hookers in the world.”

According to The Hill:

In one of the memos, dated Feb. 8, 2017, Comey writes that Trump “brought up the ‘Golden Showers thing,’” a reference to one of the salacious claims made in the so-called Steele dossier involving a trip to Moscow and Russian prostitutes.

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The memo also notes that Trump denied the whole thing, noting that “‘the hookers thing’ is nonsense,” and then claimed that “Putin had told him ‘we have some of the most beautiful hookers in the world,’” which totally doesn’t make sense, considering that Trump claims he didn’t partake of hookers but wanted Comey to know that if he had partaken of said hookers, they would have been beautiful because Putin told him they were.

Maybe Trump meant that the hooker thing was true, but the whole “water sports” claim was false.

Anyway, The Hill reports that Comey wrote in his new book, A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, and Leadership, that the Russian-hooker rumor really bothered him if there was “even a 1 percent chance” that first lady Melania Trump believed the allegation.

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“I’m a germophobe,” Trump told Comey in a phone call on Jan. 11, 2017, according to the book. “There’s no way I would let people pee on each other around me. No way,” The Hill reports.

The “golden showers” allegation originally showed up “in the unverified dossier created by former British intelligence operative Christopher Steele,” and it claims that after learning that the Obamas had slept on the same bed that Trump was sleeping on, Trump ordered the two prostitutes to urinate on the bed.

A couple of things about this allegation.

First, it’s been well reported that Trump is a germophobe, which sounds like bullshit, given that he eats KFC and, no offense to KFC, their facilities have never looked super clean the few times I’ve needed to use their restroom in a pinch. (I don’t eat KFC and, like any other self-respecting black man, am a diehard Popeyes fan; feel free to @ me on Twitter; I have time.)

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I just find it funny that Trump’s defense of not allowing Russian hookers to pee on his hotel bed isn’t that he doesn’t deal with hookers, or that he’s never dealt with hookers—it’s that he’s a germophobe, so he’s never going to let any of his hookers pee in his bed.

Also, I want to point out that in the year of our lord Bey’Challa, we are talking about the president of the United States, Russian hookers and urine.

Also, Trump’s behavior since taking office has not only been petty, it’s been obsessively petty. He can’t keep the good name of former President Barack “Big T’Challa” Obama and the slightly soiled, less-impressive name of Hillary Clinton out of his mouth. Would this petty-ass president have his Russian hookers piss up in a bed that the Obamas slept in? Of course he would! Has anything that he’s ever done in his life given anyone with decent vision the belief that he wouldn’t?

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Comey’s memos are still being sifted through, and Comey reportedly doesn’t care, telling CNN’s Jake Tapper, “It’s fine by me” that his memos during his time as FBI director are being released.

But this is where we are, America: The former head of the FBI is out here shilling a book and posing with Ghostface Killah and Method Man, and the president is still out here arguing about whether or not he let Russian hookers piss on his bed.

Seriously. I. Hate. Everything.