Screenshot: Youtube/Fox 2

As The Root was conducting our ongoing scientific research into how 911 became the technical support number for whiteness, our forensic investigative team, led by recent North Wakanda Higher Institute of Technology and Education (NoWHITE) Ph.D. graduate Dr. Shuri T’Keisha Harriot, uncovered some disturbing information about one of the recent standouts on the white women all-star team of police-calling.

Apartment Patty is married to a black man.

Well ... kinda.

Hillary Brooke Mueller (no relation to Robert, we think) became the latest internet celebrity to gain fame by summoning the white people’s Justice League, also known as the police, after she tried to play Wonder Woman and block super villain D’Arreion Toles from entering his dungeon of evil St. Louis apartment.

Do we need to say she is white? According to our research, in the entire Universe, there are only three names whiter than Hillary Brooke:

  • Taylor Swift
  • Tiffani Amber Thiessen
  • Elizabeth DancesWithSenateWolves Warren (But she’s 1/12,102,303th SeminoSheDidnt)

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After Hillary the Human Doorstop was fired on her day off and went on a media tour to explain that she couldn’t possibly be racist because she’s married to a black man, her estranged husband, Brandon Mueller (no relation to Robert, we think), took to Facebook to either shoot a campaign video for his run for assistant vice comptroller or to explain why he doesn’t have anything to do with his not-yet-ex-wife:

“I want to take the time to express my deep disappointment in the incident that took place in Mr. Toles’ home,” Mueller began, surrounded by a background that highlighted his racial ambiguity. He continued:

The individual in the video and I have been separated for over a year, and I, myself, no longer reside at the Elder Shirt Lofts building. As a man of color, I have spent most of my professional career teaching others the importance of diversity and inclusion. My only hope is that we as a community can use this as an opportunity to do what my late father taught me years ago: To not allow others’ ignorance to incite anger and hatred, but to use it as an opportunity to learn, grow and promote love.

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After watching the short video, our staff could only reach one scientific conclusion:

He hates her! I mean he really hates Tiffany Taylor DoNotEnter. He wouldn’t even call her by her name! He would only call her “the individual,” which is an ancient phrase from the Caublanasian language that roughly translates to “that motherfucker.”

I can’t blame him for leaving a woman who thinks interracial marriage is a get-out-of-racism-free card as if black penis is the cure for bigotry. To be fair, maybe she kicked him out. She seems to be good at it. Maybe she can get a job as a doorman at Mar-a-Lago.

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And is Mueller actually black? In the video, Mueller looks like Dwayne Johnson if The Rock started reading more and working out less. What righteous black man refers to himself as a “man of color,” even if his color could only be replicated by buying a 64-pack box of Crayola crayons, melting down a raw sienna and diluting it in ginger ale?

You know who else is a “man of color”? Donald Trump. Sure, the hue can only be called “Macaroni and Mango,” but that’s still a color. He looks whiter in this picture.

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Anyway, we thought that we should reveal our research on the Vegan Rock and the Racist Bouncer to the public. We are still working on our hypothesis that there’s really just one white woman who keeps dyeing her hair different colors before she calls the police. Even though we are still in the preliminary stages, here is a preview of what we’ve found.

BBQ Becky
Screenshot: Youtube
Pool Paula

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Screenshot: Fox2
Screenshot: NBC News

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Hold on, I think that last one may be Benjamin Franklin. Wait ...

Did Benjamin Franklin invent a time machine and travel to the future to have black people arrested? Was this whole “white woman calling the police on black people” just a front for the new/old slave trade?

I think I’ve cracked the case!

Call Shuri!