I stand before you ashamed. I never thought that I would have to apologize to you but I must. See, all this time I’ve been arguing that a racist third-grader has been widely tweeting from the president’s official Twitter account and I was wrong. Grossly wrong. Not only did it turn out that the president himself has been tweeting those incorrectly spelled and randomly capitalized racist rants, but no one else inside the White House appears to even have access to his Twitter account.
I know, and I’m sorry.
On Sunday, the president of people who are too lazy to walk so they just yell their racist obscenities from a golf cart caused quite the stir inside the White House when he tweeted a Trump supporter yelling “white power” during protests in Florida. Two unidentified officials told NBC News that they couldn’t reach the president for more than three hours because he was golfing and had put his phone down.
If I walk to the McDonald’s across the street from my house, my wife not only knows how to get in touch with me, she has no shame in calling McDonald’s and asking to speak to the beaten writer still in pajama pants with Juicy written across the back and Ugg boots (Don’t judge me. I’ve been dressing like a collegiate white woman to prevent being killed by police.)
This isn’t just about the president being a punk-bitch who won’t stop golfing even during a pandemic; this is also about the stupidity and lack of ingenuity of the White House. I mean, doesn’t the president have some 500 Secret Service people with him? And don’t they have all kinds of fancy phone ear devices that would make any Black man who wears wicker hats, Jesus sandals and hand towels over their shoulder jealous? You mean to tell me that no one has anyone’s phone number in that White House? I know that everyone in my classes from seventh grade on up was required to have each other’s phone numbers in case we even thought about coming to school and saying, “I forgot about the homework.”
Seriously, let’s all think about this a moment. The president goes golfing in the middle of a pandemic after tweeting out a racist video and no one in the White House, the highest office in the land, the office in which you have complete command over the Secret Service, could figure out how to get in touch with the president?! Not one person?
I find it hard to believe that no one in the White House knows any male escorts who could’ve gotten them in touch with South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham, who was with the president, because of course, he was.
I am ashamed that this is the America I live in, in which no one in the White House has the access code to the signal machine that could’ve flashed a giant photo of Melania and her boyfriend across the sky, which would’ve immediately signaled to Trump that he needed to call home.