In Further Proof That the World Is About to End, Herschel Walker Is Georgia’s Leading GOP Senate Candidate

You gotta give it up to the writers at The Onion.

When I saw reports that a former NFL running back with no political experience was the leading candidate to represent the Georgia GOP in the upcoming Senate race against Democratic incumbent Raphael Warnock, I fixed myself a drink of whiskey, walked outside and waited for the good Lord to crack the sky. As I sat on the porch contemplating the end of the world, I realized this had to be some sort of elaborate prank.

“Maybe they moved April Fool’s Day to October because of COVID,” I said, knowing it didn’t matter if someone saw me talking to myself because of the end times. “Maybe it’s just a glitch in the matrix caused by Facebook transferring its disinformation to the Meta database. They probably had to unplug the simulation and plug it back in.”

But 59-year-old University of Georgia football legend Herschel Walker actually has high favorability ratings and strong support among Peach State moderate Republicans, according to Politico, who notes that recent polling shows Walker blowing away the field of GOP prospects, which include agriculture commissioner Gary Black, MAGA negro Kelvin King and Trump White House official Latham Saddler.

Top Senate Republicans who once expressed their concerns aloud have also come on board, including Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who endorsed the Trump-backed Walker last week.The new survey from OnMessage Inc., a Republican political consulting firm, shows 61 percent of self-described moderate Republican voters are backing Walker, compared to 81 percent of conservatives. Among all GOP primary voters, 74 percent said they would vote for Walker, compared to 6 percent for his closest rival, Gary Black, and 16 percent who remain undecided.Results from the poll, conducted Oct. 11-14, shows the primary electorate had coalesced around Walker before Senate GOP leaders changed course and publicly offered their support last week — endorsements that also followed news of Walker’s $3.7 million third-quarter fundraising haul.

Of course, I am aware that Walker declared his candidacy for Georgia’s Senate seat. But, either the world is upside down or he misunderstood the meaning of “running for political office,” because there’s no way that Georgia Republicans are seriously considering voting for the 1982 Heisman trophy winner. My doubtfulness has nothing to do with Walker’s race or the addlebrained rants of his son, Christian Walker, who was banned from TikTok.

Raising a son who uses social media to spread conspiracy theories probably earned Walker a few points with Georgia’s GOP constituency. Everyone knows that’s part of the leftist CRT agenda. My confusion also has nothing to do with Walker’s ex-wife Cindy Grossman, who alleged that the former NFL star once put a gun to her head and said: “I’m going to blow your f’ing brains out.” Grossman eventually filed for divorce, citing “physically abusive and extremely threatening behavior.” And then there’s the fact that his current wife may have violated Georgia’s voting laws by voting in a state she doesn’t actually live in. However, here’s the thing about Hershel Walker representing Georgia in the Senate:

He doesn’t actually live in Georgia.

Of course, that’s not necessarily disqualifying; the Constitution only requires that a Senator be 30 years old, be a citizen of the United States and live in the state at the time of election. But I’m sure the guy who hasn’t lived in the state for more than a decade and pays taxes in another state is the best person to represent taxpayers who live in Georgia.

It doesn’t seem like a very smart move. After all, Georgia Republicans voted out the last senator who moved to Georgia and didn’t pay her fair share of taxes. Another politician with an outspoken but intelligence-impaired son actually lost the state in the presidential election. Senate GOP candidates accused of domestic abuse have not fared well recently, but I’m sure Hershel Walker is different.

To be fair, Walker is running against someone Republicans would never vote for–an actual Christian who lives in the state and does stuff like pay taxes and Represent his constituents. Let me know how it goes. I’ll be sitting on the porch, sipping whiskey, waiting for a white savior (who’s actually Black ) to return...

I’m sure Georgia Republican’s have no idea what that’s like