I Have So Many Questions About the Greasy Black Guy With the Ponytail at All the Trump Rallies

YouTube screenshot
YouTube screenshot

When is the president going to stop rallying? The president rallied and won, and the way this works is, once you’ve won, you stop fucking rallying because you won! Nope, not this president. He’s on a world tour longer than Maze has been featuring Frankie Beverly.


He won’t stop rallying. On Tuesday, President Dickface McShitbag held another rally in Arizona, and at this rally, he totally wandered off the plantation and back into the racist cesspool of hatred from which he’s been birthed.

It’s like the media came out and said, “You know, the president actually seemed presidential in his speech on the war in Afghanistan, Monday.”


President Trump: “Hold my KFC.”

Teleprompter Trump Monday was undone by Rally Trump Tuesday. On Tuesday, the president of the Kmart and Kohl’s Krowd held another circle jerk rally, and you know what that means: The really creepy-looking black guy with the ponytail was in attendance.

This degenerate is so self-hating, he allows himself to go by the moniker, “Michael the Black Man.”

I want to stop the story here. I want to just stop and walk away from my computer because I don’t want the spirit of Martin, Malcolm, Rosa and the others to know that there is a black man who is allowing himself to move away from the traditional common spelling of his given nickname, “Black Mike,” to instead choose to be called “Michael the Black Man.” I will press on, for the culture, but know this, “Black Mike”—the ancestors didn’t die for your bushy-ponytailed ass to openly support hate.


The Washington Post did a deep dive on this sign-carrying member of Trump’s permanent in crowd. But I have so many comments and questions that need answers.

Who Hurt Michael the Black Man?

Someone early in Black Mike’s past ruined him. I don’t want to say that it was a partner, but this level of brokenness feels deeper than familial break; this feels like righteousness gone awry. This feels like years of rejection until you finally decide, you know what? Let me go where I’m loved, even if it isn’t the kind of love that I want. I’m not judging, but I feel like we can’t move forward unless we ask this question.


Is Black Mike a Reverse Hotep (Petoh)?

I find Hoteps to be harmless and amusing. To me, it’s like a really weird cult of black folks who believe in fantasy fiction., with elements of cosplay. I find that elements of Hoteps venture into mystical shit, and I love that when I’m talking to a Hotep about anything, they can always find a fable in which the black man did it first.


But Black Mike is so Hotep, he’s Petoh! As the Post pointed out, his website—which I won’t post here, but reads like a Hotep popped acid and got everything confused—has links to sites with such titles as the “Real KKK Slave Masters [...] Are CHEROKEE Indians (Hidden Babylonians)” and “ISIS AND HILLARY RACE WAR PLOT TO KILL ALL BLACK & WHITE WOMAN OF AMERICA WITH MS-13.”

And this: “YAHWEH BEN YAHWEH Taught Us to Vote Republican & Is Now VINDICATED.”

And nothing says crazy Petoh like a grown man with a ponytail who types in all caps.


If Black Mike Is Going to Keep Being Center Row at These Rallies, He’s Going to Need a Makeup Team 

I am not a proponent of men wearing makeup on a regular basis, but I think that we can all admit that a little powder to take off the sheen never hurt anyone. At Tuesday’s rally in Arizona, Black Mike was looking oily, real oily. The kind of oily that isn’t fair to anyone, Democrat or Republican. We don’t have to agree on politics, Black Mike, but being on TV looking like you just lathered your face in Mama’s good chicken grease is a bad look.


(Also, readers, stop acting like your mother didn’t save her good chicken grease in a can on the stove because that grease had all the seasoning in it! If she didn’t save it, then your mother, I hate to say it, was wasteful.)

Black Mike Was Once Accused of Being Involved in Two Murders 

According to the Post story, “in the 1990s, he was charged, then acquitted, with conspiracy to commit two murders.”


Look, I don’t know about you, but if you have been accused of involvement in one murder, let alone two, I don’t want you near me. Ever. So it seems rather odd the level of comfort the Trump administration has in placing Black Mike so close to the president. Seems like one criterion in the seating arrangement and proximity to the president should be, “Have you ever been accused of murder?”

Do Something With Your Hair

I have two words for Black Mike: Edge Control. I don’t know what Edge Control is, but my lady swears by it, and as such, she never goes a day without it being close to her. It’s like a drug. I don’t know if Edge Control can make the top of your bushy ponytail less poufy, but if it can, I say have at it.


Step Your Sign Game Up

Black Mike is now prime time, and as such, he really needs to step up his signage. He really just needs a bigger sign. Currently, his sign looks like four toilet paper squares with some writing on it. Also, I would change the wording. Instead of “Blacks for Trump,” maybe go with “A Black for Trump” or “Me, Ray Lewis, Omarosa, Ben Carson and George Foreman for Trump!”


At least that would be accurate.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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He’s sounds like he may be mentally ill to me.