If BuzzFeed’s report that the president told his former lawyer and fixer to lie to Congress about the Moscow Tower turns out to be true and brings down the president, this will be the biggest moment in American history. Therefore, I’m formally requesting that we take a vote to extend one conditional cookout invitation to Buzzfeed News.
Look, I agree that we can sometimes be a little too liberal with the cookout invitations. I, too, balked when people tried to give Hillary Clinton an invitation in 2016. And if you check my voting record, you will see that I cast a “no” vote against Bernie Sanders and Michael Rapaport. I even actively campaigned against Robin Thicke even though “Lost Without You” kinda slaps.
But if Trump is impeached because of a Buzzfeed article, it will be bigger than the day Beyoncè gave the world a surprise album; bigger than 16th seed UMBC beating number one Virginia. Even bigger than Watergate and barely bigger than Soulja Boy tellin’ em the story of his shooting.
BuzzFeed, the site that single-handily made it their collective mission to humanize cats from being feral beasts and gave the world hard-hitting feline exclusives like 41 WTF Cat Pictures That Will Make You Laugh Every Time and 16 Cats That Are Bigger Jerks Than Your Ex-Boyfriend has broken the most important story of the year. It’s not like BuzzFeed hasn’t been working on big journalism.
But understand that, inside the journalism world, having BuzzFeed beat The Washington Post and The New York Times on this story is tantamount to CBS’ 60 Minutes losing to Lifetime for the biggest television story of the year. I’m sure that would never happen. I’m just giving an example. If BuzzFeed brings down the White House it would be the equivalent of Bay Bay’s Massagin beating Kendrick Lamar’s DAMN for the Pulitzer.
But, it would be fitting if BuzzFeed, the news site that gave us such memorable quizzes like, “We Know The Name of Your Next Lover Based on The Food You Order From McDonald’s” and “We Know Which Danny DeVito Character You’re Most Like Based On These 7 Questions” would be the site to take down the first reality TV president.
Of course, the story broke Twitter:
So now we wait. But if the reports prove to be true, then this might be the biggest surprise since James died on Good Times. We can even save some time and spice money by giving them unseasoned chicken and hot dogs that aren’t burned (white people like their meat medium rare).
So esteemed cookout colleagues; O ye protectors of potato salad and deviled eggs decisionmakers, I beseech thee to consider my request as someone who has a history of stinginess with opening our gates to people who are sure to bump your arm and make you spill your brown liquor when they are bumbling around on Aunt Marvell’s lawn trying to learn the Wobble.
But this is different. This is history. This is the elimination of a racist, sexist, xenophobic pig. We should honor Buzzfeed with a temporary, one-time invite.
Stephen A. Crockett
PS: If it makes any difference, I’ll tell them to bring some aluminum foil. They’re white so they’ll probably bring that high-end Reynold’s Wrap.
Updated: Friday, May 18, 2019, 8:20 p.m. EST: In an unprecedented move, special counsel Robert Mueller emerged from his secret lair to dispute BuzzFeed News exclusive piece as “not accurate” late Friday evening.
“BuzzFeed’s description of specific statements to the Special Counsel’s Office, and characterization of documents and testimony obtained by this office, regarding Michael Cohen’s Congressional testimony are not accurate,” said Peter Carr, a spokesman for Mueller’s office, in a statement viewed by CNN.
While the carefully worded statement didn’t note what parts of the story are not accurate, it also didn’t say that the BuzzFeed report was false. CNN notes that it’s highly unusual for the special counsel’s office to give a statement to the media about an ongoing investigation.
It’s possibly that two things are at play: The first and most likely situation could be that Mueller doesn’t want BuzzFeed stealing his shine. He’s been working on this investigation almost as long as the president’s been in office and you really think he wants the cat-loving, “What Kind of Sex You Like Based on Your Potato Chip Preference” quiz-making BuzzFeed to steal his glory?
The other possibility is that BuzzFeed rushed out the gate without all its ducks in a row. Based on Mueller’s statement, it doesn’t sound like the meat of BuzzFeed’s reporting is off but the wording might be questionable. Maybe the president didn’t blatantly ask Cohen to lie to Congress, but maybe it was strongly suggested that Cohen shouldn’t explain what he knew outright.
The BuzzFeed story, by reporters Jason Leopold and Anthony Cormier, asserted that Cohen had told special counsel investigators that “after the election, the president personally instructed him to lie — by claiming that negotiations [for a Trump development project in Moscow] ended months earlier than they actually did — in order to obscure Trump’s involvement,” BuzzFeed wrote, attributing its assertion to two law enforcement sources.
The sources also said the special counsel’s office had corroborating Trump company emails, text messages and other documents, though the BuzzFeed reporters were unclear Friday in television interviews about whether they had seen the documents described in their story.
So now we wait...