How Sen. Ted Cruz Cursed the Houston Rockets and Kept Them Out of the NBA Finals

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) speaks during a press conference about the shooting incident at Santa Fe (Texas) High School on May 18, 2018.
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) speaks during a press conference about the shooting incident at Santa Fe (Texas) High School on May 18, 2018.
Photo: Bob Levey (Getty Images)

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), aka “Grown-Up Eddie Munster,” posted a photo of himself at the Toyota Center on Monday night, where the Houston Rockets were set to take on the Golden State Warriors, and all Rockets fans knew it was downhill from there.


After Cruz’s photo was posted to Twitter, Houston Rockets fans jumped in bed and curled into the fetal position for a good, hard cry. That’s because Cruz not only doesn’t know anything about sports but also doesn’t know anything about anything.

Never forget that during a quasi-filibuster (because Senate rules mandate how much time senators can spend yapping), Cruz once infamously read Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham on the Senate floor. He once called net neutrality Obamacare for the internet, whatever the hell that means, and he argued that satellites clearly showing the effects of climate change weren’t showing the effects of climate change.

He literally argued with a satellite.

And never forget that Cruz went to Hoosier country, the birthplace of basketball, and called a basketball hoop a “basketball ring.”

President Barack Obama even clowned Cruz’s dumb ass, noting that the senator isn’t too swift and might even call the items that baseball players use to hit baseballs “baseball sticks” and football helmets “football hats.”

So you really can’t blame the Rockets fans who saw his plasticlike mug at the game and started #CruzCurse trending on Twitter. Cruz is so stupid that he literally doesn’t know that the fourth quarter of a basketball game isn’t called Q4.


Of course the Rockets lost, 101-92; at one point they went an abysmal 0 for 27 from the three-point line, proving that the #CruzCurse is a real thing. One Twitter user offered a pretty good suggestion:


Or they could just vote for Beto O’Rourke and Cruz will be a distant memory.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.



This would be my favorite conspiracy theory, except for the fact that it’s entirely true.