How Robert ‘Ferris’ Mueller Screwed Us All: Trump’s Going to Ride This ‘No Collusion With Russia’ Report Into His 2020 Campaign

Photo: Susan Walsh (Getty Images)

We don’t know what’s in the actual report!

That’s the lie I keep telling myself; that the world doesn’t know what’s actually in the million-page report that Special Counsel Robert Mueller handed over to Attorney General William Barr, the man most likely to play Steve Bannon in the off-Broadway musical, You Fucked Us In The Face! How Trump Destroyed America.

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Here’s what we know: Barr is a Donald Trump guy. He was picked because he’s a Trump guy and his four-page summary of the Mueller findings sounds like something a Trump guy would write.

Here’s the other thing: It might be the truth.

Because if it wasn’t, if it really was that far off from what Mueller had written, something would have leaked noting that Barr is kicking up bullshit and so far, that hasn’t happened.

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What political pundits appear to be leaning on is that Barr could be playing semantics Tic-Tac-Toe and using loose language to rub over the harsh parts of the report. Until Mueller’s findings are released in full, all any of us has is a four-page Trump-guy version of it.

Here’s the other thing we know: That Trump has been vindicated and he’s going to ride that vindication right into the 2020 election.

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According to CNBC, Trump’s 2020 re-election campaign has every intention to use this 22-months long Russia investigation that has turned out to be as thrilling as Jay Electornica’s first album.

“In addition to the President’s undeniable record of success for the American people, rest assured that you will be hearing about the Democrats’ collusion and obstruction lies and President Trump’s full vindication between now and Election Day,” Kayleigh McEnany, the campaign’s national press secretary, said in an email to the news station.

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That means for the next 600 or so days, we are going to have to hear about this shit. It will be on the tip of Trump’s anus-shaped mouth at all of his rallies. It will be the answer to all of White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders questions (assuming she holds press conferences, which, of course, she will, now that the news is in her favor).

The news has really been a blow to those of us who were convinced that the investigation wouldn’t just conclude that the president had been canoodling with the Russians but it would’ve confirmed what many of us have believed since before he took office: that the president is about as straight as an aux cord in the hands of a two-year-old.

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From CNBC:

Over the weekend, Attorney General William Barr told lawmakers that Mueller did not find evidence that the president or his team conspired with Russia to sway the 2016 election. On Monday, Trump told reporters that he believed Mueller acted honorably.

Trump’s eagerness to talk about Mueller stands out in comparison to his potential opponents. The wide field of Democratic contenders has been unified on avoiding Russian interference as a central aspect of their campaigns while calling for Mueller’s findings to be made public.

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And you know his punk-ass couldn’t wait to hit these tweet-streets to victory lap all over our faces.

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If it turns out that Mueller didn’t find any evidence of Russian collusion during the 2016 election, Trump is going to have a field day using this to strengthen his base. And it’s the perfect strategy for a liar who lies all of the time: He now has undeniable proof that there was a witch-hunt to try and connect his election with Russian interests. Trump is the boy who cried “no collusion!” And, if this report proves this, then yes, America we have 600 or some days of listening to this shit. It will become his battle cry and his excuse. It will be his reason and his explanation.

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And Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.,) who will play Barron Trump in the off-off Broadway musical, Deez Nuts: How a Senator Became a Barnacle, can’t wait to show Trump how loyal he is.

Graham has reportedly praised Mueller’s work and vowed to unpack “the other side of the story.”

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Also from CNBC:

Graham was referring to the origins of the FBI investigation that Mueller took over — Republicans have alleged impropriety regarding the information that was used to obtain warrants — as well as the probe into former Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton’s handling of classified materials.

“The FISA warrant, the Clinton campaign, the counterintelligence investigation have pretty much been swept under the rug except for by a few Republicans in the House,” Graham told reporters. “Those days are over.”

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We are fucked and it turns out that in the off-Broadway play of The White House Wire, Mueller wasn’t Omar Little. He wasn’t even Jim McNulty. He was Clay Davis.

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About the author

Stephen A. Crockett Jr.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.