How President Trump Went to Church and Became Every Broke Man at the Strip Club

Illustration for article titled How President Trump Went to Church and Became Every Broke Man at the Strip Club
Photo: MANDEL NGAN (Getty Images)

There aren’t many times where I can say that President Trump and I share anything in common. In fact, there aren’t any. Not one. Then, President Trump went to the International Church of Las Vegas on Sunday, and he looked just as uncomfortable as most men do when they walk into the strip club sober.

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But that isn’t what made him connect with every man across the continental United States—that was reserved for the moment when he had to drop money in the collection bucket. That’s when the president pulled money from his wallet, flipped through it, counted it, held it up to the sky so the people in the back could see that they were, indeed, $20 bills. He shuffled them through his hands, leaned over to Melania and shout-whispered: “I’m bout to put all these twenties in the money bucket!” He then balled one of the twenties up, shook it in his hand, and shot it like dice. He then picked the twenty up and smoothed it over his knee before finally placing it in the bucket.

It’s a pandemic, and the economy is in the shitter, and until we get another stimulus check, none of us have the money to make it rain at the strip club. In fact, none of us have money to cause any type of climate change in the strip club, so we need everyone to know that we do, in fact, have money—but it’s the last of it so we have to make it count, and it needs to be acknowledged. It’s not so much that we are going to throw the money at the strip club; it’s more that we know that our strip club budget is $60 not including the one drink we are going to babysit the whole night so we have to do the pre-cash-in performance of showing that these soon-to-be ones were once twenties.

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Twitter, of course, saw it all and had jokes:

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Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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DISCUSSION

Dr Emilio Lizardo

You’re making fun of him, but that $20 would go a long way towards paying his taxes.

Also, no fucking mask on the Super Spreader in Chief, or the two sycophants to his right.