GTFOH Trump Watch: You Get a Pardon! And You Get a Pardon!

Illustration for article titled GTFOH Trump Watch: You Get a Pardon! And You Get a Pardon!
Photo: Chip Somodevilla (Getty Images)

Donald Trump doesn’t know what crimes the people in his administration have committed, but he knows that they need to be pardoned.

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According to the New York Times, Trump has discussed whether his children, his slumlord son-in-law and his cousin Vinny need preemptive pardons. Trump is reportedly concerned that Biden’s Justice Department will seek retribution against the president and will target Donald Jr., Ivanka, that other boy who looks like he never finished vampire school and Ivanka’s baby daddy and welfare queen, Jared Kushner, who parlayed his marriage into a free government check as a White House senior adviser.

That’s because Trump doesn’t understand how this works. Despite Trump’s henchman Bill Barr running the DOJ and doing Trump’s dirty work, the DOJ doesn’t normally target the president’s personal enemies no matter how disloyal they are to America. I know this is hard for Trump to swallow, but outside of his followers, no one gives a fuck about what he or his mayo-infused, Russian-scented family is doing when they aren’t in the White House.

From the Times:

Donald Trump Jr. had been under investigation by Robert S. Mueller III, the special counsel, for contacts that the younger Mr. Trump had had with Russians offering damaging information on Hillary Clinton during the 2016 campaign, but he was never charged. Mr. Kushner provided false information to federal authorities about his contacts with foreigners for his security clearance, but was given one anyway by the president.

The nature of Mr. Trump’s concern about any potential criminal exposure of Eric Trump or Ivanka Trump is unclear, although an investigation by the Manhattan district attorney into the Trump Organization has expanded to include tax write-offs on millions of dollars in consulting fees by the company, some of which appear to have gone to Ms. Trump.

The Times notes that—and this is important—presidential pardons do not provide protection against state or local crimes, which means that they can still be charged for crimes and serve jail time, which is on my Christmas wish list.

And while the crimes have yet to be named, they did that shit. All of them did it. I don’t care what it is; they did and they need to be locked up for it.

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Burnsauce

It’s happened to everyone. Alpo got Rich. Fake Blood Tekashi 6ix9ine flipped on real Bloods. Even Sammy the Bull turned on John Gotti.

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At some point, even the most trusted in the crew turns. So it should be no surprise that with less than 50 days before the White House is fumigated and Febreezed to get ready for its new residents, Attorney General William Barr turned on Trump!

On Tuesday, Big Bill, aka Evil Fred Flintstone, noted that the Justice Department “has uncovered no evidence of widespread voter fraud that could change the outcome of the 2020 election,” the Associated Press reports.

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Whatttttttttttt?

I’m confused because Evil John Goodman face-ass has been one of Trump’s most loyal henchmen. And it almost sounds like he told the truth for once.

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During an interview with AP, Barr said that the president was full of shit and that he has trouble handling Ls. Sike, he said his department worked to follow up on complaints from voters and “we have not seen fraud on a scale that could have affected a different outcome in the election.”

Boy, you know that shit burned the president and apparently when a white person burns another white person that’s called “burnsauce” or some shit. I don’t know. I’m not white. But I’m happy because Trump’s going to cry in the car. He’s totally going to cry in the car.

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Paying for Pardons?

This story is still unfolding but it looks as if the Justice Department has stumbled onto a possible “bribery-for-pardon” situation in which a large political contribution may have been offered for a presidential pardon, which is all called politics.

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From the Washington Post:

The documents show that U.S. prosecutors were scrutinizing whether two individuals approached senior White House officials as unregistered lobbyists, and a related scheme in which cash would be funneled through intermediaries for a pardon or reprieve of a sentence for a defendant apparently in Federal Bureau of Prisons custody at some point. The status of the investigation is unclear.

The slender record is heavily redacted and does not identify the investigation’s targets or whether anyone has been or will be charged. It also does not indicate what senior White House officials did after allegedly being approached.

“No government official was or is currently a subject or target of the investigation disclosed in this filing,” said a Justice Department official, speaking on the condition of anonymity to discuss an ongoing investigation.

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We will keep an eye on this, but I sincerely hope that Kodak Black isn’t being investigated for his offer to donate $1 million to a charity if he’s pardoned.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

DISCUSSION

babylonsystem
Babylon System

This is why when regular folks get fired our PCs will shutdown immediately and security escorts you out.

I hear some people now saying it’s all perfectly legal to pre-pardon future criminals.

Is it 01/20/2021 yet?