God-Fearing House Candidate Says He ‘Accidentally’ Heard Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s New Song ‘WAP’...and I Believe Him

Illustration for article titled God-Fearing House Candidate Says He ‘Accidentally’ Heard Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s New Song ‘WAP’...and I Believe Him
Screenshot: Cardi B (YouTube

Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion are indeed bad influences.

But only because I’m pretty sure a lot of former smokers revisited their bad habits after watching the gorgeous, wipe-that-off-yo-mouth-inducing display of Afro-voluptuousness that is the new video for their song “WAP.” We all needed a cigarette after that shit. Whew.

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Of course, as it’s been throughout “with her fast self” history, Black women can’t own their own sexual natures without their milkshake bringing all the prudes to the timeline.

Meet James P. Bradley (R) who is running for election to the U.S. House to represent California’s 33rd Congressional District.

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Admittedly, I don’t know anything about Bradley’s platform or politics, but I know he’s clumsy. This is not a man voters can trust ever successfully learned to look both ways before he crosses the street.

Bradley is so accident-prone, in fact, that through a series of unfortunate happenstances, he found himself—again, unwittingly—watching the sexy AF rap duo’s video.

I’m sorry, I just can’t emphasize this enough: He didn’t mean to.

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“Cardi B & Megan Thee Stallion are what happens when children are raised without God and without a strong father figure,” Bradley tweeted with his free hand (but his keyboard still got really gross). “Their new ‘song’ The #WAP (which i heard accidentally) made me want to pour holy water in my ears and I feel sorry for future girls if this is their role model!”

Sure, James...we know it was an accident.

Just as President Donald Trump slipped and fell into his bunker while protests happened outside the White House and he decided, while he was down there, he might as well do a quick check of the perimeter; I absolutely believe Bradley sat on his phone and butt-searched “Cardi and Meg, please sit on my face” and then picked up his phone and “Oh NOOOO, MY EYES!”...and then he was stuck like that for roughly 4 minutes.

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I’m just saying, it’s not impossible that Bradley Googled “WAP” while trying to look up Martin Scorsese movie quotes and he just had the Italian slur spelled wrong.

Y’all act like you never searched what you thought was an acronym for “Worst After-effects of Pesticides” while trying to figure out your gardening routine and got the wrong video but decided to keep watching on repeat because...well...this is educational too. (Shit, wait until Bradley figures out that “wet and gushy” are radio lyrics and that “WAP” actually stands for...you know, I’m just going to let him guess “Weak Ass Penis” or whatever his experience tells him.)

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Anyway, I will say that I’m not feeling Bradley’s invoking of God and his assumptions about Meg’s and Cardi’s faith. Just because he got his Jesus-drawers from Kanye West’s clothing line all in a bunch over Black women doing what Madonna and Marilyn Monroe did for decades without the world screaming “hide your daughters,” doesn’t mean he’s in a position to say whether or not they were “raised without God.”

Besides, I know after I watched the video I immediately started singing, “Eat my ass, eat my ass, thank God almighty…”

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Ok, I’m sorry. I know that’s going too far. I’m just going to go and...uh…watch the video again but not on purpose.

Zack Linly is a poet, performer, freelance writer, blogger and grown man lover of cartoons

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DISCUSSION

elusivecupcake
ElusiveCupcake

I’m so tired of people showing out and acting a whole fool over what amounts to cleavage and thighs. I watched the video and did not see anything that amounted to pornography or partial nudity. If you had a physiological response to the video, that’s fine. Own it. Don’t start screaming, “SATANIC!”, or “WHATABOUT THE CHILDREN!!!”, or making ignorant and bigoted references to anyone’s childhood or homelife.