Former Playboy Playmate Is Free to Talk About Her Affair With the President; This Should Be Good

Former Playboy playmate Karen McDougal has reached a settlement with American Media Inc., the publisher of the National Enquirer, and this only matters for one reason: McDougal can now speak freely about her alleged affair with President Donald Trump.

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Is this messy? Of course it is. But most important, the story of McDougal’s reportedly monthslong affair will bring further embarrassment to this disastrous administration. For days, if not months, the Trump administration with have to field questions about yet another affair between Jabba the Colostomy Bag of Racial Hatred and a woman not named Melania. We can expect more presidential denials, more misspelled, rage-filled tweeting, and more news stories filled with salacious details about smacking the president’s orange-tinted ass with rolled-up magazines.

On Wednesday a deal was reached between AMI and McDougal, and all of it may be credited to the FBI’s raid on Trump’s personal attorney Michael Cohen. According to the New York Times, materials seized in the raid on Cohen’s office included payments made from the attorney to AMI. The payments reportedly show some type of collusion between the attorney and the publisher in a process commonly referred to as “catch and kill,” in which the tabloid pays for the story and then never releases it and effectively silences the person from telling his or her story to anyone else. Apparently, whatever was seized in the raid has AMI shook, because it agreed to let McDougal out of her contract and added that she only has to pay back to the publisher a small percentage of the profits she makes telling her story.

So now we sit back and Birdman hand-rub and wait to see which network wins the war to post McDougal’s salacious tales of chasing the president around his separate bedroom with a rolled-up Forbes magazine. I know it’s difficult to embrace this new presidency, but sadly, this is where we are, folks, and we have 53 percent of white women who voted against their self-interests to elect this shit heel to thank for it.