Illustration for article titled Evil Billionaire Mike Bloomberg Drops Out of Presidential Race, Endorses Biden After Blowing Half a Billion
Photo: Joe Raedle (Getty Images)

It must be nice to be so wealthy that you can ignore people whose job it is to tell you that you don’t have a roasted marshmallows chance in Omarion’s heart of coming anywhere close to winning the Democratic nomination, and you forge on ahead anyway.


After blowing half a billion dollars on what might arguably have been the worst campaign ever run in the history of campaigns, embattled asshole and former mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, has ended his run for the White House after a dismal showing on Super Tuesday.

Bloomberg won American Samoa. I don’t even know where that is. Hell, Mike Bloomberg doesn’t even know where that is, but after the Super Tuesday results were finished, he pulled one (state? place?) that was in play and that was American Samoa or not the place where The Rock is from. Fine, maybe I thought he was from there but he’s from California and now I feel racist.


“After yesterday’s results, the delegate math has become virtually impossible — and a viable path to the nomination no longer exists,” Bloomberg said in a statement, NBC News reports. “But I remain clear-eyed about my overriding objective: victory in November. Not for me, but for our country. And so while I will not be the nominee, I will not walk away from the most important political fight of my life.”

I will now translate this statement in layman’s terms.

“I fucked up y’all. I should have listened before I ran out here and blew half a billion trying to white man my way into a contest that I wasn’t built for. It’s clear now, half of a billion later, that I wasn’t going to be able to outrun all my stop-and-frisk shit. Hell, someone should have stop-and-frisked my chances of me doing this dumb shit. So, yeah, I’m going to go back to swimming in my money and hating things from afar because it’s best for the country. Holla at all all y’all broke asses hating me from outside the club.”

Bloomberg has officially endorsed former Vice President Joe Biden.

“I’ve known Joe for a very long time,” Bloomberg said, NBC News notes. “I know his decency, his honesty, and his commitment to the issues that are so important to our country—including gun safety, health care, climate change, and good jobs.


“I’ve had the chance to work with Joe on those issues over the years, and Joe has fought for working people his whole life,” he continued. “Today I am glad to endorse him—and I will work to make him the next president of the United States.”

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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