Everything You Wanted to Know About the Atlanta Terrorist Attacks

Drew Angerer/Getty Images
Drew Angerer/Getty Images

Donald Trump’s press secretary, Sean Spicer, has repeatedly referred to a terrorist attack in Atlanta during White House press briefings and in one-on-one interviews. Many people are perplexed because there hasn’t been any news about an Atlanta attack. Luckily, we are here to answer all of your questions.


Wait—there was a terrorist attack in Atlanta? Is this an elaborate ruse to make fun of Atlanta’s Super Bowl loss?

No, it is not.

Apparently there was an actual incident in Atlanta that no one knows about. Spicer—front-runner for the 2017 Richard Nixon/Taylor Swift Liar of the Year Award—has referred to an Atlanta terrorist attack on at least three separate occasions. He first mentioned it during an interview on ABC and brought it up again while he sat in on the flaming pile of turd, Trump-apologist roundtable that once was a great show called Morning Joe. Later that day, during a press briefing, he explained:

I don’t think you have to look any further than the families of the Boston Marathon, in Atlanta, in San Bernardino to ask if we can go further. There’s obviously steps that we can and should be taking, and I think the president is going to continue to do what he can to make sure that this country is as safe as possible.

Plus, we would never make fun of Atlanta’s Super Bowl loss by calling it a “terrorist attack.” It was more of a fetish video.

I think that’s what they call it when you let people watch you choke.

Very funny. Anyway, what are the details of the terrorist attack?

No one knows. Maybe this is another Trump-administration “alternative fact”—like the millions of “illegals” who supposedly voted in the last election, Trump’s claim that he had the largest inauguration in history, or when Kellyanne Conway tried to convince people she was not the Cryptkeeper in a skirt and blouse.


People have been speculating about what Spicer might be referring to, and I have a few theories of my own.

The Recurring Atlanta Daily Attack: There is a quiet little terrorist incident that happens every day in the city of Atlanta. ATLiens have suffered through it so much that they have become accustomed to it, but in a free society, people shouldn’t have to put up with the oppression and abuse that the citizens in this great city suffer every day. Ask anyone from Atlanta—or even people who have visited—about the attacks, and they will quietly nod as a tear rolls down their face.


They can all recall the pain and anguish of driving in Atlanta traffic.

The Great Atlanta Pussy-Grabbing Incident: Trump admitted to his fondness for snatching women by the hoo-ha without their consent. If he tried this on a woman from Atlanta during one of his campaign visits to Georgia, trust me—there was a terrorist incident. I’m sure there was hair weave, fake eyelashes and MAC makeup flying everywhere, and that’s just what Trump lost. She probably called her cousins and they showed up blasting “Knuck if You Buck,” overwhelming the Secret Service detail.


It might not have made the papers, but I’m sure Trump will never forget being called a “pussy-ass nigga” as he sped off in the presidential limousine.

The Double D Plot: I’ll never forget where I was when it happened. It was a mass tragedy because there was a crowd gathered during the wee hours of the morning when the rest of America was asleep, but I got a good look at the perpetrators. Sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat remembering the night that would change my life forever. It was a sandwich made from a Krispy Kreme doughnut, chicken sausage and strawberry cream cheese.


You can only get it from Delia’s Chicken Sausage Stand—a tiny closet of a place in Atlanta that they call a Double D.

I call it terrorism.

Wasn’t there an actual bombing in Atlanta, though?

Yes, there was. In 1996 two people were killed when a bomb exploded in Olympic Park during the Summer Olympics. A few months later, another bomb exploded at an abortion clinic in a suburb of Atlanta.


Maybe that’s what Spicer was talking about.

Unlikely. Spicer used the fictional Atlanta terrorist incident to defend the Trump administration’s Muslim ban, explaining how the travel restrictions would keep America safe from the evil terrorists.


Exactly. The deaths in the Atlanta bombings could have been prevented if we hadn’t let in the radical Islamic extremists who set off those bombs in Atlanta, right?

Not quite. The Atlanta bomber turned out to be a white guy.

Huh? A white dude? Well, that’s extremely rare, right?

Actually, it’s not. Study after study, investigation after investigation, shows that most terrorist incidents in the United States are perpetrated by white males between the ages of 16 and 35.


Wow. So Muslims are only the No. 2 terrorist group?

Not even close. Try No. 5, also behind Latinos, Jewish extremists and communists. In fact, since 2001, only 12 foreigners have been charged with committing a terrorist act, compared with 346 Americans.


If this is true, then why are we concentrating on Muslims, refugees and immigrants?

Because there is no such term as “radical Christian extremist.” Because a brown-faced, foreign-tongued bogeyman is far more effective than a sweet-faced white one. Because corrupt men know that people will grant their protectors the power to protect them from an evil enemy, so autocrats will often invent a fictional villain. Because Americans don’t count black-church massacres and school shootings as “terrorism.” Because fear. Because white tears. Because white fragility.


Even though a white guy with a gun is statistically the most likely terrorist, he isn’t scary enough, and Trump’s entire political power grab is based on white fear. He is president because he convinced “why peephole” that whites are losing to the Muslims, the Mexicans, immigrants and “the blacks.”

Spicer’s Atlanta-terror reference is symbolic of the entire Trump agenda. The only act of terror that ever occurred in Atlanta was perpetrated by a staunch-conservative, pro-life Jesus fanatic who is on their side of the aisle. But truth doesn’t fit into the alternative-facts narrative, so they just make up stories out of thin air.


It is a diabolical magic trick. It is the same spectacular abracadabra that hypnotizes wypipo into believing that Emmett Till whistled at that white woman, that Walter Scott reached for a police officer’s weapon or that Trayvon Martin went out to buy Skittles but instead jumped on a complete stranger 50 pounds heavier than he was who was also carrying a gun.

There is a method to their madness. They will repeat the list of terrorist attacks until we absentmindedly accept it as fact. They’ll say it until we understand why we need to stiff-arm refugees and immigrants. They’ll beat it into our heads until we, too, join the angry mob.


When they slip these little falsehoods into the narrative, they don’t expect us to accept the lie. Their goal is to just keep lying until it all becomes white noise, and we eventually stop listening or caring what they say. Then they can do whatever they want.

Now, that is actually terrifying.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.


I’ll have you know that I was killed in the Atlanta terrorist attack, and I was put into a coma that I am still in from the Bowling Green massacre. I know that these things actually happened because I am still dead.