Adult-film actress Stormy Daniels (real name Stephanie Clifford) arrives at the United States District Court for the Southern District of New York for a hearing related to Michael Cohen, President Donald Trump’s longtime personal attorney and confidant, on April 16, 2018, in New York City.
Photo: Yana Paskova (Getty Images)

I don’t want to strike up a conspiracy theory here, but let’s just say that adult-film actress and official spanker of the president’s orange ass Stormy Daniels has released a sketch of the man she claims threatened her in 2011 regarding her relationship with the president, and it looks an awful lot like five-time Super Bowl champion New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady—or Teddy Perkins.

Stormy Daniels claims that in 2011 a man walked over to her as she was getting out of her car, and made a threatening statement regarding her relationship with Donald Trump.

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“A guy walked up on me and said to me, ‘Leave Trump alone. Forget the story,’” Daniels told 60 Minutes. “And then he leaned around and looked at my daughter and said, ‘That’s a beautiful little girl. It’d be a shame if something happened to her mom.’ And then he was gone.”

On Tuesday, Daniels released a sketch of the man she claimed threatened her and offered a $100,000 reward for anyone who can identify the perpetrator. While there has been no word on whether anyone has received the reward, I assure you that the case has been solved, as the man is either a young Teddy Perkins or Tom  Brady.

Who is Teddy Perkins? Well, walk over to the first mirror you can find and look at yourself in the face. Then bring your hand to your face and smack yourself for not being up on Atlanta, the most favorite show of all the blacks.

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Teddy Perkins
Screenshot: Atlanta

Who is Tom Brady? Well, he’s just God’s most favorite quarterback, is all. God not only gave Brady the arm of a cannon, a chiseled face with a chin divot and a model for a wife, but he also blessed him with five Super Bowl wins.

While I could never solve one Encyclopedia Brown mystery, I assure you that this one will be easy. We can immediately exclude Teddy Perkins as a possible suspect, since he’s fictional; as for Brady, USA Today notes that 2011, the year Daniels claims she was threatened, Brady’s Patriots season ended in Super Bowl heartbreak. And Brady is a lover of President Donald Trump; let’s not forget the “Make America Great Again” hat in Brady’s locker.

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Social media sleuths were all over the fact that Brady and the alleged threatening man bear a striking resemblance.

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While Trump and Patriots owner Robert Kraft are longtime pals, not everyone was convinced that the alleged harasser was Brady or even a young Teddy Perkins. In fact, one social media user offered a completely different guess as to who the man who threatened Daniels could have been.

I give you exhibit C.

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While I’d like to think that Stormy Daniels would remember what her ex-husband looks like, I know that she has vision problems because she willingly slept with the president, who on a good day looks like an old bag of KFC grease, cooled and molded to look like a man sculpted out of vomit.