Jeff Sessions
Photo: Toya Sarno Jordan (Getty Images)

I’ll bet every morning, Jeff Sessions slaps at his alarm and curses it until it finally stops going off. He probably lies there for a few more minutes, his arm flung over his eyes in an attempt to block out any light. If he pretends it’s not morning again, it won’t be, and he can avoid another day of abuse at his place of employment.

You would think that being in charge of the U.S. Department of Justice would make Sessions feel powerful, but you would be wrong.

Under any other circumstances, attorney general would be a prime job to have—complete with respect from everyone and lots of power to abuse.

The power is there, and sometimes he takes out his frustrations on the marginalized people of this country, but the respect of his peers just isn’t there.

No, Sessions can’t get the respect he deserves because his boss—a spoiled, entitled, rich, moronic idiot who just happens to be the president of the United States—openly treats him as if he is the one who reads with his finger tracing under the words as he goes along.

Advertisement

It’s like when you have a job and your boss wants to get rid of you, but he doesn’t want to fire you because it would look too bad. So, instead, your boss starts a steady campaign of microaggressions meant to irritate you to the point that you quit and go away on your own.

Donald Trump has been so steady at it, even special counsel Robert Mueller wants to know if he has been trying to get Sessions to quit. In what can only be described as an irony so deep it makes me constipated, Trump recently referred to the Sessions DOJ as “an embarrassment to our country,” complete with an exclamation point at the end so you know it’s real.

Advertisement

Imagine having a lifelong successful career in politics, getting appointed as the highest law enforcement officer in the country, and then having the village idiot—an idiot who doesn’t know what he is doing—tell everyone that you are an idiot who doesn’t know what he is doing.

Then imagine people feeding into that shit. They were already calling you a Keebler elf (which is messed up, because you can’t help it that you look like that), and now you have the added embarrassment of how everyone is talking about the way the dumbest person in the world is treating you.

This is Jeff Sessions’ daily life, and the president won’t take his foot off Sessions’ neck. Jeff Sessions’ life right now is a never-ending episode of Punk’d.

Advertisement

He has to go to work every single day and walk down the hallway as people snicker and avert their eyes. Even his secretary is like, “Here go yo’ mail,” and just tosses piles of unopened and unscreened envelopes on his desk like it’s the greatest favor in the world.

But don’t feel sorry for Sessions; he signed up for this.

How does that old saying go? “If you lie down with dogs, you’ll end up with fleas.”

Advertisement

Remember that Sessions was one of Trump’s earliest supporters. Sessions was open about supporting Trump. He was kissing so much Trump ass, it was ridiculous. So it should be no surprise to him that after he kissed the white, rich Yankee’s ass all that time, the Yankee doesn’t have any respect for him anymore.

It’s almost as if Trump gets off on making rude comments about Sessions.

If I were Jeff Sessions, I would just go ahead and quit.

Staying there to suffer the abuse all in the name of pride and retaining power ain’t gonna get him nothing but a crook in his neck. Because Trump is going to continue to apply the pressure of whatever fancy-ass leather shoe he is wearing to Sessions’ jugular.

Advertisement

And he will do it until he snaps the life out of him.