Donald Trump Does Not Want That Smoke From Andrew Gillum

Admittedly, I do not know much about Andrew Gillum. I know he won the Democratic nomination in Florida’s primary race for governor, beating heavy favorite Gwen Graham. I know he’s the mayor of Tallahassee. I know he graduated from Florida A&M—which is why every FAMU grad I’m Facebook friends with had 22,000 word-long status messages this morning about Rattlers. I know he met his wife there. I know, without knowing him, that he frequents a black barbershop. (Which is very important.)

I also learned, earlier today, that he possesses that smoke. Perhaps he doesn’t possess much of it. Again, I don’t know much about him, so I don’t know. Maybe he just has a little pill capsule of smoke he carries in his pocket, like a lucky nickel or a rabbit’s foot. Or maybe he has a whole entire 3,000 square-foot smokehouse in his backyard. Shit, maybe he has a smoke factory, where he loans and sells and delivers smoke to those requesting it. Maybe I can go on Amazon Prime right now and special order his smoke, and maybe said smoke has real clean and efficient packaging, like what you’d maybe see at William-Sonoma. I don’t know.

I do know, however, that he has some smoke for the president. And Donald Trump, the simp-ass, mark-ass, trick-ass coward that he is, wants none of it. If Donald Trump went to a restaurant, and Smoke From Andrew Gillum was featured on its menu—perhaps accompanied with chorizo Benedict—he’d leave and go to Steak n’ Shake.

Anyway, if there’s anyone out there who has more insight about Andrew Gillum’s capacity for smoke, inquiring minds want to know.