The MAGA dream team of conspiracy theory trolls known for perpetrating such frauds as the Robert Mueller sexual misconduct scandal, the Pete Buttigieg sex scandal, the Ilhan Omar sex scandal and the Kamala Harris birther lie (you thought I was going to say “sex scandal, didn’t you?) has set their sights on Elizabeth Warren by concocting a convoluted plot about the Massachusetts senator paying for threesomes.
According to the world-renowned liar Jacob Wohl and bullshit artist Jack Burkman, in 2018, Warren paid a 25-year-old former-Marine-turned-sex-worker to smash her 70-year-old cakes in a series of secret BDSM threesomes, NBC reports. Even after Warren responded to the inane allegations by publicly admitting that she was a “cougar,” the con artists still had one problem:
No one believed them.
You know your lies are getting too outrageous when Breitbart and Fox News don’t show up at your press conference. Everyone knows that Fox News will hire a parrot with a speech impediment if the bird is sufficiently pro-Trump. But at a Thursday media event, no one showed up to hear former gigolo Kelvin Whelly, join the far-right finessers to speak his “truth.”
At Thursday’s press conference, someone in the sparse audience played the Patsy Cline song “Crazy” as Whelly read a statement about his purported trysts with Warren.
His claims were met with laughter by some in the crowd, and Whelly himself seemed at times to be having a hard time keeping a straight face as he detailed his claims, which included the use of a “cat of nine tails.”
Wohl and Burkman at several points said that if individuals did not stop laughing at them and Whelly, and making snide remarks, they would be removed.
But the security guard hired for the event refused Wohl’s requests to escort the hecklers away.
At the press conference, Whelly removed his shirt to show what he purported to be scars from his BDSM sessions with Warren. But Twitter sleuths quickly pointed out an Instagram post Whelly made in 2016 that showed the same scars.
And when Whelly insisted that he worked as an escort for Cowboys4Angels, which is an actual escort service, the owner of Cowboys4Angels told Rolling Stone that Whelly didn’t work for the penis-for-profit company.
Wohl and Burkman, the duo that came up with this hilarious reach, are no strangers to lying on Democrats. Wohl made his money by allegedly conning people into investing in a phony company, a scheme he was arrested for in September. Days before he was kicked off Twitter for running fake accounts, Wohl was peddling the wingnut conspiracy theory that Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn.) married her brother. In January, Wohl rebooted the racist birther plot by claiming that Kamala Harris was not eligible for the presidency because Harris’ parents weren’t Americans.
In October 2018, Burkman and Wohl teamed up to make up a story about former special counsel Robert Mueller’s involvement in sexual misconduct. The two came together again in April in a futile attempt to try to convince young Republicans to falsely accuse South Bend, Ind., Mayor Pete Buttigieg of sexual assault, according to the Daily Beast.
In response to Wohl and Burkman’s MAGA fan fiction, Elizabeth Warren tweeted a tongue-in-cheek confession that she is, indeed, a cougar:
Vladimir Putin has already offered Wohl and Burkman his help if they run on the same ticket in the 2024 election.
Early polling shows them with an 83 percent approval rating among Republicans.