Democrats Pull Out the Heavy Hitters for Virtual National Convention, Including the Obamas, the Clintons and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

Illustration for article titled Democrats Pull Out the Heavy Hitters for Virtual National Convention, Including the Obamas, the Clintons and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
Photo: Scott Olson (Getty Images)

This is a new world we are living in.

The White House has become a monument to white supremacy, the coronavirus has come through like the tornado that shut Dorothy’s shit down and we’ve all moved indoors.

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So it’s with that that I say the Democratic National Convention, scheduled to take place Monday, Aug. 17, is about to be the flyest Google Hangout we’ve ever witnessed, as anyone who is anyone on the Democratic side is calling in to try and push racism the fuck out of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

According to the New York Times, nightly primetime keynote speeches will include “Michelle Obama on Monday, Jill Biden on Tuesday, Barack Obama on Wednesday, and Joseph R. Biden Jr.’s acceptance speech on Thursday.”

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The convention was originally planned to take place in Milwaukee, but like with most plans in 2020, coronavirus came through and shut shit down. The Times notes this virtual format hasn’t been an easy alternative as DNC planners “have had to grapple with wary television networks, daunting technical challenges and the omnipresent, low-grade threat of a disruption by President Trump.”

The schedule, which was released by Democratic officials, appears to be a melding of minds between progressives and the old guard.

From the Times:

The first-night schedule reflects that big-tent objective. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, Mr. Biden’s main rival for the nomination — and still the standard-bearer of the populist left — has been given a keynote slot, just before Mrs. Obama speaks, and after Andrew M. Cuomo, the moderate governor of New York, delivers what is expected to be a scathing attack on Mr. Trump’s handling of the health crisis.

After the formality of a virtual delegate vote on Tuesday, Mr. Biden’s running mate will address the convention on Wednesday. As a precaution, planners have scheduled speaking times for some top vice-presidential contenders in case they are not picked, including Gov. Gretchen Whitmer of Michigan and Senators Kamala Harris of California and Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts.

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Why, you ask, are we having to have all these time slots for possible vice presidential candidates? Because Joe Biden won’t pick a fucking running mate, and the longer he’s taking the more I’m starting to think that he’s going to fuck this up. This shouldn’t be this goddamn hard unless he’s going to fuck this up. Tell me I’m being shortsighted and pessimistic. I want to be wrong here.

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Anyway, Bill Clinton will follow the former acting Attorney General Sally Yates on Tuesday. Hillary Clinton will speak Wednesday, “the same night as Gabrielle Giffords, the former Arizona congresswoman who was severely wounded by a gunman in 2011.”

The Times notes that big-name celebrities are, of course, joining the national Zoom call heard round the anti-Trump world, but no one knows who they may be, since they weren’t announced.

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What’s really weird is that instead of the virtualness happening live, most of the event will be taped as handlers don’t want to deal with all of America’s connectivity issues and possible frozen screens and pixelated faces during what is usually one of the biggest television moments of the year.

The event, which will reportedly feature better backgrounds than the bookcases and living room sets we’ve become accustomed to in this post-coronavirus America, will be carried by all of the major broadcasters from 10 to 11 p.m. on the East Coast.

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And get this: Not everyone was super pumped about endorsing Biden. Ocasio-Cortez of New York, “a democratic socialist who once groaned when asked how she would respond to a Biden nomination,” was initially cool on doing the event but Bernie Sanders smoothed that over, according to the Times’ sources.

Biden is scheduled to accept the nomination on Thursday, and hopefully, he would have named a vice president by then—and hopefully, that vice presidential candidate will be a Black woman.

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The Times notes that the Republican National Convention, which should take place a week after the DNC, will probably happen in Florida because all of America’s bizarre shit happens in Florida. Fine, no one knows WTF is going to happen with the RNC because they’re lame, but Trump did note that he’s debating whether to hold his acceptance speech at the White House or at the battlefield at Gettysburg. Apparently, he’s still trying to decide which venue is more racist.

As the Times points out, every one of the Trumps, who also have roles with the president’s administration or his campaign, will probably speak during the RNC because of course, they will.

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Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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DISCUSSION

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Hyperbolic Idiot Chamber

Why on gods green earth is John Kasich speaking at the Democratic convention?