Democratic Primaries: Joe Biden Beats Bernie Sanders Like He Stole His Tax Refund

Illustration for article titled Democratic Primaries: Joe Biden Beats Bernie Sanders Like He Stole His Tax Refund
Photo: MANDEL NGAN (Getty Images)

At this point, it might be time for independent Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders to start thanking his supporters and urging them not to be petty Bettys and make sure that they support the eventual Democratic presidential nominee, former Vice President and lifeguard Joe Robinette Biden.


Like all-black low-top Nike Air Force 1s, Biden proved to be invincible after a strong Tuesday showing by pulling Michigan, Missouri, Mississippi and Idaho, creating an almost insurmountable lead even for an idealistic Democratic Socialist with a following as loyal as Beyoncé’s.

From the Hill:

Given the party’s proportional allocation of delegates, it is extremely difficult for any candidate to make up a lot of ground. The map grows even more favorable for Biden in the weeks ahead, and polls indicate Sanders is facing huge losses in coming contests in Florida, Arizona and Georgia.

In the minds of many Democratic lawmakers and operatives, the race is over and Biden has won. Cable news pundits and analysts have shifted from talking about Biden versus Sanders to speculation about the likely general election matchup between Biden and President Trump.

Biden is still less than halfway to the 1,991 delegates needed to win the nomination outright.

But party leaders have rallied behind his campaign in rapid fashion over the past 10 days and voters have followed suit, leading to one of the most sudden and dramatic shifts in primary polling that analysts have ever seen.

Given the size of Biden’s victories, the regional sweeps and the diverse coalition of voters who are turning out for him, his nomination is beginning to take on an air of inevitability.

All of this means that Sanders’ chances of winning the nomination are damn near impossible and all of it was very upsetting for political commentator Van Jones, who is becoming the Terrell Owens of political commentators. He did the whole shaky-chin-dramatic speech thing he’s been doing since Trump’s win and inaugural State of the Union speech about how Biden’s lopsided victory was a “dangerous moment” for the Democratic Party.

Jones’ take on CNN:

“I think this is a very dangerous moment for the Democratic Party. You have now an insurgency that’s about to be defeated. What do you do with the people that you defeat? There was a hope on the part of a lot of young people that they had a champion. You’ve got young people who are graduating with a quarter million in debt. You’ve got young people with a lot of pain and they had a champion. And they thought that they were going to be able to surround the divided establishment with their movement, crush that divided establishment and move forward. Instead, the establishment united and stopped them. Now what do you do? Last time Bernie Sanders got beaten, there was an assumption that all of his people were going to fall in line and vote against Trump and there was not enough care for the concern and the pain of his base. I think tonight there is going to be a lot of crowing, a lot of relief on the part of the establishment. Temper it. And turn, turn to those people and say “we want to be your champion” if you don’t do that you’re going to have a pyrrhic victory.

First off, as a general rule, fuck anyone that uses “pyrrhic” in a sentence correctly. That’s been my way since I was 9. Secondly, Van Jones has got to chill, B. Sanders lost Tuesday; he lost big. He lost wide and far. In Michigan, Sanders lost counties that he won in 2016.


What this proves is that people weren’t voting for Sanders in 2016; they were voting against Hillary Clinton. Sanders wasn’t able to pick up any significant states on Tuesday, having only won North Dakota, which means out of the five states that were in play Tuesday, Biden won four and Sanders won one. That’s it. There is no huge conspiracy here. The establishment didn’t form Voltron to take down Sanders. Sure, Biden received endorsements from damn near all of the Democratic presidential nominees excluding the spiritually wacko one, who endorsed Sanders, but maybe that’s because all of the establishment just really likes Biden. Sanders is an industry outsider and it doesn’t help that he’s not affable and is really curmudgeonly, but there was no foul play afoot. Which means, stop pandering to Sanders supporters who need to suck it the fuck up. Biden knows, as every eventual nominee knows, he’s got to play to his base to try and win their votes—that’s called being a politician.

In fact, he’s already started doing it.


The race is going to be between an evil white man and Donald Trump. That’s it and Tuesday proved it, and if Sanders’ believers can’t get off their asses like the rest of us to try and vote down tyranny, misogyny, racism and not to mention mother Russia’s favorite asset, then the coronavirus might not be America’s biggest concern; white apathy and spoiled-baby syndrome fucking over the rest of us might be even bigger.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.



“What this proves is that people weren’t voting for Sanders in 2016; they were voting against Hillary Clinton. “

Basically this. And we all remember the calls for Biden to run in 2016.

I’m still not sold on Biden at all. He’s a worse candidate than Clinton for sure. But we gotta get the Trumpanzee outta there. I’m guessing Biden and team will use the VP selection to try and throw a bone to the left / more progressive voting block.

I’m just going to cringe all the way to November at this point.