Dear People Who Don’t Wash Your Hands After Using the Bathroom: WTF Is Wrong With You? I Hate You


Today, on this eighth day of January in the year of our Lord 2018, I went to utilize the restroom in this public workspace that has been made available to me. Upon entering this bathroom, I noticed two gentlemen at stalls relieving themselves. I assume that’s what they were doing. They could have been drawing piss angels for all I know. Guys do all kinds of odd things at urinals to pass the time. Me? I tend to write my name in curs—you know what? This is getting weird.


Point is, there were two dudes in the bathroom who finished whatever they were doing at the urinals, and both of these nasty motherfuckers walked clean up out the bathroom without washing their hands. I was disgusted. I’m still disgusted. I’m repulsed. Plymouth Rock landed on me ALL OVER AGAIN. So let’s just keep this a buck:

If you are a person who uses the bathroom and doesn’t wash your hands afterward, publicly or privately, you are a disgusting motherfucker and I hate you.

And according to Bradley Corp., there are WAY more of you people out there than there should be:

Bradley Corporation, an international manufacturer of commercial hand washing products, conducts an annual Healthy Hand Washing Survey to track attitudes and behaviors concerning hand washing. While 92 percent of Americans believe it’s important to wash their hands after using a public restroom, only 66 percent of Americans say they always wash up after using a public restroom. As for washing with soap, nearly 70 percent admit they’ve skipped the suds and just rinsed with water.


As per people with facts about things that SHOULDN’T NEED FACTS for convincing, here’s a fact sheet from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (pdf) on why you should wash your hands, IN CASE YOU REALLY NEED INFORMATION for convincing. But here’s the short version: because not washing your hands forces the rest of us to be like your nasty ass.


And this isn’t a black issue or a white one. It’s a NASTY-PEOPLE ISSUE.

Le sigh. Look, some of you people are just nasty motherfuckers on your own time. That’s cool. You are not my responsibility; nor are you responsible for the health of me or anybody I know. HOWEVER, when you bring your filthy habits out publicly, you are now bringing your shit over into MY world.


Why would you want to do that? Touching all over fucking door handles with your pissy hands. Listen, pissing isn’t an exact science. It should be, but no matter how hard you try, droplets have been fucking up fresh butter Timberlands for generations. I’m supposed to believe that all of you who never wash NEVER get no splash on your hands? Eww, nigga. Ew.

And if you ain’t washing your hands when you piss, I KNOW you ain’t doing it when you drop a deuce. You just out here wiping and walking ... and if you’re doing it publicly, that means you out here with some of that cheap-ass no-ply toilet tissue. You’re basically wiping your ass with your fingers, fam. Then you gon’ go rejoin the world? Just shaking hands with people and typing all on your computers and touching other shit that people like myself—who hate you with every fiber of our beings—might touch, not knowing the ass-hander had already been there?


This is why I NEVER touch public door handles. NEVER. I always grab all of the paper towels. I don’t care. I’m taking, like, 20 at a time to touch the handle because I have to deal with the likes of you and your ilk who have all spread your ass and urine germs all over the handles. You people are the reason I carry so much Purell with me. You need hand sanitizer? I’m your guy. Ask about me. In the car. In my bag. In my socks. You know how hood niggas carry razor blades? Or box cutters in their boots? Purell ... all day, G. You folks can fight each other; I’m fighting germs out here, one atom at a time.

You know what takes this shit to the next ’nother level? These two vagabond-ass horrible human beings SAW ME and thought nothing of walking out without washing their hands. I’ll bet they have canned statements ready and everything, as if washing your hands isn’t really necessary. Fuck. That. It’s so necessary. But they don’t care. They think they’re good. They just walked right out like all was well with the world. WELL IT’S NOT, THAD. OK? IT’S NOT.


It takes, like, SO LIKKLE TIME to wash your hands. If you’re, like, an Olympic gold-medal hand-washer, you know, where you put soap on both hands and rub your hands together in circular motions, like, 20 times and then make sure you get the top and bottom and sides and in between the fingers, you’re looking at a minute tops, start to rinse.

Even a shitty job of washing your hands shouldn’t take more than 30 seconds. HOW IS THIS INCONVENIENT? As an adult, I’m going to need those of you who don’t to be more responsible citizens. It’s bad enough that Donald Trump is president. You can’t be aiding in Making America Disgusting Again, too. Be better, man. Be fucking better.


And when I say man, I mean everybody. You know why this is important? Folks who don’t wash their hands get married to other people who don’t think it’s a big deal, and then they have kids who don’t care, creating an endless cycle of nasty little pissant people who just want to touch everything. That’s the thing: People who have the nastiest hands always want to touch shit. They be the first ones trying to stick their hands in the bowl of chips.

Real talk: When I worked at a regular ol’ job, I NEVER ate out of community bowls of ANYTHING. For one, my blackness just doesn’t understand the freedom with which others would just stick their whole-ass nonwashed, non-Purelled-ass hands right into anything: chips, peas, crackers, peanuts, whatever. I was always amazed at the willingness to do so and the lack of anger from anybody else. Well, except for any other black person who just saw that. We always shared a moment.


But couple that with the fact that too many of you ain’t washing your hands, and, well, I just almost threw up in my mouth. So fucking cut it out. Do better. Wash your fucking hands. Stop being disgusting.

I hate you.

Panama Jackson is the Senior Editor of Very Smart Brothas. He's pretty fly for a light guy. You can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking all her brown liquors.



I went to the movies with some friends once, after the movie two of us went to the restroom. He peed and then walked out. I was confused. I said, “dude, wash your hands.” he goes, “why? it’s clean.” Moments later we were all parting ways and he extends his hand to shake mine. I said, “oh hold on.” I stuck my hand down my pants and then extended my hand. He pulled back and goes, “whoa, what are you doing?” I said, “I’m doing exactly what you’re doing. Why? Is this gross?” I don’t think he got what I was doing.

(I didn’t actually touch my dick when I put my hands down my pants.)