In case you didn’t hear, one of the most anticipated games in NFL history took place this weekend. Shall we get into that and the rest of Week 4 of the NFL?
On Sunday, the greatest quarterback in the history of ever had the privilege of facing off against his former mentor, tormentor, and head coach, Bill Belichick, in a chess match that can best be described as “well, that was a lot of damn rain.”
Since Tom Terrific escaped Alcatraz last March and took his talents to Tampa Bay, he (and the rest of us) have been waiting for the day to exact his revenge against the franchise that doubted his immortality and cast him aside like the butt of the bread after 20 years of marital bliss. That day finally came on Sunday, and football gods were pleased—as evidenced by their tears of joy cascading from the sky throughout the entire damn game.
Unfortunately for the rest of us, watching the New England Patriots and Tampa Bay Bucs go to war is like having to choose between a root canal and a bone marrow biopsy. In one corner, we have Brady, who’s spent the past two decades of his career rendering participation trophies null and void, and in the other corner, we have Belichick, who never met a rule he didn’t bend, break, or ignore entirely.
As for the game itself, there were those of us (*raises hand*) who expected The Notorious M.A.G.A.T. to channel all of his resentment and discontent with the Patriots into an offensive assault unlike anything we’ve ever seen. But thanks, in part, to incremental weather, Belichick knowing Brady like the inside of his own hand, and somebody hurling their Rob Gronkowski voodoo doll off a cliff, Brady was denied the opportunity to tear his former team a new asshole and instead squeaked out a 19-17 win. And in a cruel twist of irony, the game came down to a late-game field goal; a late-game field goal that was preceded by the exact same late-game march down the field that has become Brady’s signature.
“It’s not that I would predict what would happen,” Brady said after the win. “There were a few emotional moments thinking about the people that meant so much in my life. My football journey took me somewhere else.”
His coach, Bruce Arians, did his part to dismiss the Brady vs. Belicheat narrative, but nobody is trying to hear that shit.
“The Bucs won this game,” Arians said. “Everyone wanted to make this Brady versus Belichick. I don’t think Bill took a snap.”
Oh, you sassy bastard, you.
Word on the street is that Brady kissed and made up with his former coach after the game. The two reportedly unblocked each other on TikTok before tossing some cheddar in a fondue pot and sitting down for a private chat.
SPOILER WARNING: I still hate you both.
The New England Patriots weren’t the only losers this weekend. Take for instance the Houston Texans, who may or may not be a professional football team, who were kind enough to drag humiliation and embarrassment to unprecedented lows.
On Sunday, not only were the Texans on the receiving end of a 40-0 bloodbath that was so gruesome that the FCC was like “turn this shit off or we’re fining every-damn-body,” but they:
- Committed five turnovers, four of which were interceptions.
- Were outgained 450 yards to 109.
- Alleged quarterback Davis Mills recorded the lowest QBR in three seasons with a putrid 0.8 performance.
- Only had six first downs in the entire game.
- Suffered what is easily the worst loss in franchise history.
And if any of the above doesn’t help drive home the point of how terrible Houston was on Sunday, I’d like to amend my PowerPoint presentation with the following tweets:
But in looking at the glass half full instead of empty, at least they’ll get the first pick in the draft next season! Yay!
- After racking up 156 yards and two touchdowns in Sunday’s loss against the Seattle Seahawks, San Francisco 49ers receiver Deebo Samuels has the second-most receiving yards (490) through four games in franchise history. Take a wild guess at who still has the crown.
- Denver Broncos running back Javonte Williams took the phrase “carrying the team on his back” a little too literal this weekend:
See y’all next week.